Cold skin.

Red eyes.

Black tears.

The heaviness of unconditional love.

The shattered glass embedded in your skin.

The intensity.

The numbness.

The throbbing pain.

Bleeding slow.

Breathing heavy.

The growing silence.

November is here again.

And it will never feel the same again.

In a trance,
Lips wet and waiting.
Your always the one to leave.

Its cold,
You said.
My blood is cold.

Shivering in the sun,
You light me.

I hold me.
Breathing heavy.

The match is burning me,
As you remember things.

Sensual smiles,
Bleeding old thoughts.

I left.
And your still cold.
Our lips never stopped inviting warmth.

Im seeing you again.

Heavy bleeding,

Il remind you how to love again.

I saw you. White and exhausted surrounded by others. And yet somehow your voice was very chilling.

I started watching you again.

This time I stood in the darkness.

I missed you. Smiles are climbing my lips. You know I will not say it out loud anymore. I do not like to watch you breaking.

You start coughing out loud.

I start exhaling out loud.

Cold skin. Light running against your eyes. I watch you again only this time, I start breaking inside.
Your sad eyes are carrying heaviness.
Why are you so different.

I still love you but in a different way.
I have grown to love my silence.

And to fool you with my silence,

I have been failing to forget you.

 

The lights are off. You are in the dark. I did not think my heart could sweat. My body is warm from this long silence.

You start stepping into the distance. Across the darkness, you open the cracked window and lay a hand on your chest.

I shivered. I keep shivering, as you wait for me to speak. You start to wrap moist memories and wet my skin. I am shivering in the heat, as you watch me in total darkness.

A chill rides down my back. I tried to grow roses around my eyes. You watched them wilt from the inside.

I tried.

I lied.

I keep remembering only the good times. When the cold breeze brushed against my lips. I remembered your words. I am sinking deeply into an open grave of emotions.

It is true. I have missed you. I am growing to find comfort in my silence. You are growing and yet inside, its dark and things are dying.

I tried breathing out. You simply stopped. You were, and I was. You gently touched the cracked glass and slowly, a smile painted itself on your lips.

You will always live in my heart.
Even if things grow silent.
Even when the cold hurts.

Enough. I have it embedded under my skin. Deep inside, touching the tendons, stretching against my muscles. Stop that. I’m always inside.

Enough. I keep beginning from the end. I move my fingers along your skin. You drift. I silence the heartbeats trying to echo out loud. I silence you with a command.

Hurt me. Dark circles of pain rest around my eyes. And a dark shade of lipstick stains your shirt. You need to be silent.

Enough hurt.

Let go.

Let it be enough.

Let it hurt.

I keep beginnings when it ends. I keep moving my fingers to feel your heart beat. Kisses embedded in pain. Glass breaking inside, blood spreading inside. Those scars will be two years old soon.

I am defeat. The coffee is French. I told him in German. I feel red. Sensual eyes are giving. I amuse you in moments. Unforgettable. Maybe, you know the feeling. I have a feeling, light your cigarette. Smoke it. I will watch. Flames. Gently, start the fire.

Ashes.

I whispered softly, defeat me. I need. He listened. The sky outside is vulnerable, and the coffee is cold. You have a heart. Mine. Delicate. Silence the echo in the room. Defeat is. Let the ashes land on my dress. It’s raining outside. Smoke. Exhale the magnitude of your worries. Inhale my defeat. I will gladly smile, and answer your question casually.

Yes,

I

am

okay.

I am only tempted.

I will tell you everything.

My words are black, my lips are blue, and last month, the last two months, I discovered that my feet while in the water, submerged – a rush of a feeling reached my heart.

Toes ice cold.

Heart ice cold.

He said, he said it’s a blood clot. He said that redness, the color of blood, my tenderness. He said that the sensual color of red satin draping my bust and waist, he said he would. He said. I said.

You are strong.

Step back.

Passion escalates.

Pain elevates.

I want you.

I wanted you.

My weakness. 

I want you to know.

I wanted you to know.

Four, two, zero. 

Undress. Undress all the emotions clothing me. Let the gown fall to the floor. Let it drape the floor. Wrinkled. My eyes are wrinkled. My lips are half bitten.

One, three, five.

I want you. I want you to know. I am growing accustomed to living naked. Shivering, I am shivering. I was living in a month, and pain was a subscript. 

I was living, and I was alive. 

I want you to escalate. 

I want you to touch. Visit my scars. Push a finger on my wounds, and feel a tenderness. Pain is not absent. For years, I was always concentrated on knowing. I thought I knew. But this year, it painted a new color of living, and with it, I grew.

Eleven, I thought.

I thought,

I thought that glue could hold two lives together, instead glue can hold two skins in proximity. I am complete. I am complete. I am completely on a new plan, and now I really do not have a plan.

It is all uncertain.

Time to escalate.

Escalate my pain.

I can handle anything.

An ice cube grazes my wrist. Blood is comforting. I tell you, without the use of words, there is only numbness when you touched.

Nothing is hurting.

I held my body still. I tensed. Remain silent.

Distant but absurdly quiet,

Your nestled in my heart.

Two hearts in the same room. Growing silence. Gently absorb the discomfort. Four eyes close. Lips curl upward.

My lips are apart.

A word is longing for rebirth. I bite my lip to close.

Begin again.

The blood is comforting. I suck at my wound. Slow and soft. You close your eyes,

Your beautiful..

Your beautiful….

Do you know that you really are beautiful….

Moist eyes begin.

I want to feel again.

Interrupt my circulation. Pause the blood flow.

Open my heart.

I will let you crawl back in.

Momentarily, I wanted to say it. Momentarily, I needed you to say it. Slice my tongue with glass. Cut my lips with a knife. Let the juice of a lemon soak my face.

Be gentle. I beg.

Begin again.

I will stand numb.

I promise.

You itch at my heart but I do not grieve anymore. I did not realize that the fact of the matter is, I do not see the butterfly wings anymore. I just feel. I decided to enjoy the feelings and ignore what follows.

I’m becoming selfish. Ignorance is bliss.

The colors do not exist, and my methods of trying to let it go – let all things go requires reassessment. In between the lines we are always remaining beautiful.

Intricate bliss. Delicate chaos.

I do not know why I have it as it is, but my insides are not secure with glue. I can not help but smile and tell you, the world treats you so much better when you take actions with out expecting anything in return.

Be selfish. Act sinfully toxic.

I have reached delicate ecstasy in terms of thinking. You and I are ridiculous. You and I will always remain in between lines of respect and our ends can honestly be summarized in a devious smile.

Naked words exposed, you have the right to spell anything on my skin. I also have the right to erase what I do not want any other soul to see.  A life lesson is in every action we take each day. I am learning many great lessons and I am trying my best to approach it all with a clean new heart.

Approachable, my heart is beginning to discover the beautiful things again.

“Love yourself more than others.”

A meaningless hurt. I grasped a pencil and I held your wrist. I gently stroked the palm of yours with words. I am spelling it to you. I feel meaningless. And you do nothing as you feel the movement except stare back indifferent to the touch.

Can you believe it. I lost it. The lead of that pencil broke. And attached to it was the meaning, and a seed began to tense my core with frustrations and lust. I wanted to nourish my heart with a supply of oxygen rich love. I breathed in nothingness.

I keep the hurt pricking my veins to myself. But I broke the silence with ….

I told the silence that I can no longer give.

I have given much to recall if I understand the value of that joy. I am playing my feelings and it is I who I destroy. I staged this all in the dirt, and the seed keeps growing inside of me.  I sincerely hurt.

As you placed your cigarette ashes on my stem. I felt sun kissed.

Let me try this again.

I came, I left and the windows of yesterday reminded me,

You can live with out emotions, easily.

A delicate hand touched my crimson cheek. I was dressed in sinful red, and you were mesmerizing – your eyes, lips, and hair. You were in the darkness, it was a black night as I lowered my eyes. I was walking with your soul late last night. I walked slowly. You could feel it all. And I remembered the beautiful pain and all.

I was breathing hard, and you were dreaming soft.

I pictured you, picturing you picturing me. A flashback stinging, you were breathing heavy and I lay silent.

Silence loved.

A delicate black rose,

I owned the dark night,

And you were handsome in white.

A dream was living, as you died. And I smelled of smoke, I was burning cold.

Insatiable love.

I am giving.

You were guilty.

I was searching late last night.

It is only a dream,

but it feels so real,

and I remain silent.

Silence loves,

At least it told me so.

Lonely piece of furniture, I sit beside you in a sea of brown boxes, I feel so empty. Do you not feel guilty? I carefully taped the edges of those boxes, and filled up the containers with memories of passion filled love. I was beautiful and loving. I miss myself. Remember once how I felt so alive. I felt unbreakable, strong, but now I break in the silence of a moonless night. Things have changed. I changed myself.

Where are we? I tried to find myself in the contents of those boxes. I could not find me anywhere! I need you to start searching. Where am I? I thought you were going to help me find myself.

I feel so lonely.

Frail eyes and weak lips, the mountain of forever is collapsing.

And I was standing below, and now the debris is covering my soul.

Blow the dust off my chest.

A heavy weight is sitting on my chest, a taste of salt is on my lips, and I miss myself everyday more and more. I feel completely empty, and the inside of my heart is bruised. I whispered I was lonely and yet I found a sad smile forming on my lips. How can I smile in this loneliness?

Fumes of a match break my silence, and the smell of spent is on my mind. Can you believe how much can change in a year, month, week, day, hour, minute, and the scariest of them all was in mere seconds. I feel so different. I thought you were meaningful. I found meaning in you. But now I boxed you all together, a piece of life, a piece of love, a piece of hatred, a piece of lust and used black duck tape to seal the past.

I am moving now, and inside the sea, you are still capable of drowning me. I spent a year trying to find myself, and now that I have, I lost her again. Passing in the night, all I found was silence, tears, and a sharp feeling in my insides. I walked late last night, a mile and returned to my doorstep.

I came home, to a place with mounting boxes, and things packed together for a permanent move. I realize that time only heals the wounds, and then an action progresses the hurt. I am growing stronger, but remind me again why do I feel so lonely right now.

I had a passionate heart,

I think I lost it in the last move.

fe da5’eli 9amt weda yegool weda ye7ki ..
el galbi majnoon youmi yenbeth fe 7ubaak
o youmi thane yegsa yet’ndam 3ala 7ubak
3ala dagate el galb ele tnbeth o tegool
a7ebek
ya rou7i a7ebk
galbe tara sheka ..
sheka lel hawa sheka ..
sheka yabe tbared e7sasa
tarani ya 7abebi
thebti fe 7ubek
ya majnoon
ya majnoon 3yoni fe 3yoonk
abgah a7kelak 7abebi
bs tadre
tadre eshloon
tadre ma ra7 agool
byebgah bil galb mastoor
el galb yemote fek
ye3shagek o yeg’leek
ya 7ubi el mamnoo3
er7amni
er7amni tara a’3shagek wa moot
amoot feek yale sa7er 5’yali w sa7er e7sasi
btsken galbi lil abd
btsken 3yoni 7ata lo tebakeni
enta 7ubk yenaseni
ent bthel lil abd 7abebi
tadre sheli 9ar feeni
tara gelt le 7abebi a7ebek
o howa ma jaweb w ma 7eka
thalathat 7erouf tedafeni
walken
masmoo7
ana galbe majroo7
w hata fe jar7a
ynbeth o yegool
a7ebek
ya 7abebi
a7ebek
wa moot b7ubak