She trembles on the verge of death; pain embodies the heartbeats perplexing the tears- she longer can handle any of this…She begs to disengage herself with the echo of silence. Just a few seconds to inhale this strangeness- not enough to exhale that breathe; she dies….right after you.

I’ve had enough of you- imprisoning my thoughts, emotions and fucking up everything. I want to run away from you; my life is shattering like that broken glass. Pain shall eventually kick in I guess it was a bad idea showering myself in sharp glass- I thought I saw your reflection – you… I basically walked straight into you.

I tremble…I fall…Straight into your arms…and curse.

I’m all wet now- soaking my body in this salt water from the shore; with hope to cure myself of you. I am scrubbing hard with that rock, harshly, with intensity – to rid myself of you. I’m almost there; I’m almost pure and innocent from your touch but bruised.

I hesitate…I gasp…I walk…Fucking far from you.

Screw the memories, the feelings, and the happenings. The moments when you thought I wont make it for another gasp of air – I’m breathless from this…It’s all just nonsense a way to fool ourselves – make us feel for something that will never be anything than bloodied scars, wounds that never heal and two lost souls searching to find nothing.

I slip…I drown…I hurt…I’m dying slowly.

I’m losing consciousness- I’m losing far too much blood. I try to touch the glass embedded in my flesh; I’m trying to let go of you. The glass is like that misplaced piece in a puzzle that was meant not to be fit in it’s rightful place. It was meant to be soaking in crimson blood- it was meant to be tasteless. It was meant to be on my flesh. It was meant to be sprinkled with sand. Last in all, it added a memoriable touch to our reality – neverlasting.

My lips are dry…My eyes are resting…My heart is no longer beating.

“I just couldn’t wait for you.”

I’m listening to Al-Mesafer Ra7 by Rashed Al-Majed.

I’m thinking more into his lyrics which brought tears to my eyes.

I’m wonderin how I shall survive the last days of my summer.

I’m hoping to write a story bas my creativity – everything is on the low.

I’m desiring to dig a hole to escape all of life itself.

I’m needing some hugs and words of endearment cause my summer is ending.

I’m wishing our school; senior year isnt going to start next week – saturday.

I’m understanding that today not many would have done what I did, pick up something a fellow stranger dropped – he was suprised at my actions and thanked me said I shouldnt have he would have gotten it…bas after that incident I thought to myself his words; his actions made me smile helping somebody out is a wonderous feeling…most people passed by without looking to help him but I thought different.

I’m breathing but mentally I’m dead – I plan to drain myself out of troubles within this life; you never get me so I shall always grieve for you.

I’m leaving you; leave me thoughts- cheer me up; my summer is coming to a conclusion, school will start within a few days a week to be exact….cheer me up.

i just finished watching prison breaks latest eposide and damn them…i’m waiting for more more more!!!!they cant leave me hanging like that not fair…yesterday i watched girl, interrupted its an old movie -it got me questioning my sanity; jolie was a great actress in it though i admit i dont like her but she did hell of a good job in acting psycho 😉 last ten minutes i cried; cried; cried…argh- to top that off i watched primetime 20/20 which was documenting about the children that are lost…mentally; physically; etc…i tell you i should stop watching those things… but i wont 😉 they leave me wondering; thinking; gripping to some sort of understanding !!

then i watched abc news they were talking about these two young twin girls who were singing hate music praising hitler etc; her mother taught them to hate all races except the whites… god the world is shriveling in integrity; we are losing it!! then something came on about how food is being genetically modified-argh great what more can we ask for ! everything is changing for the worse!!! then i watched about john mark karr and how he sipped wine on the flight back to the usa being suspected for the murder of jonbenet ramsey- i have a feeling he’s 2 % innocent until proven 88% he’s guilty…i think he’s guilty of commiting something else and maybe just asking for his minutes to fame…but i think i’m wrong i’ll just tune in to find out whats really happening…i still cant fathom how high profile cases seem to go unsolved; damn those people; tv shows appear to solve the crime within 45 minutes and they enrich us on how to commit the crime without leaving a trail behind…reality is television is causing all of this…we are being brainwashed in some sort of way.

i’ve read alot about serial killers- their mindset all of that intrigues me and well i’ve studied many of those killers ted bundy; charles manson; etc and still find it hard to believe some one with an innocent face, composure is guilty of commiting a sick sick felony- murder;rape; slaughter.

away from the troubles of the world to how it’s been awhile since i’ve written a post; probably cuz of so much going on in my life this moment; and the past two days i was sick and reprocessing myself :)…finally my bedroom is beautifully finished; the colors are beige and dark blue and i like it…so who cares; wont post pics cuz i will feel it would be a destruction of my privacy…:Pnow since jackie has been away we can download anytime; anything without her disagreeing…so that keeps us updated with everything; jackie we watched john tucker must die; step up; lake house which i specifically begged darling to download 🙂 and we are downloading much more…now i am dying to watch world trade center .

i demand prison break release another eposide this week i cant wait till next week; funny how prison break spurred up all the things i talked about 🙂 well i’m hungry now; dinner time! 😉

uPdate : FICTION READ AND ENJOY 😉

Excuse me; I bid of you to speak those words one more time. I’m sorry I didn’t quite catch the attitude carressing that tone. I am beyond speechless – what you blurted out is nothing more than overreaction and pleading affection. You better learn to move on and let things go. I’m out of your grasp; stop lighting those candles – I blew them out. I burned down the fortress to your cavernous heart – tender and soft – what happened to you?

Years play back; memories of a rugged stance that face of silence masked you. But your identity is now uncovered and those words came out seemingly cluttered. Take a deep breathe my sweet, again I advise you to let it rest. We aren’t meant to be what is singing in your heartbeat. Let it be sweet, let us move on and seek a fate destined away from your blunders; they obviously pacified the thirst of your longing and desiring attraction – but we both know that it is impossible for you to let go. So just take back those words; they are useless, voiceless and senseless.

I regret what we once have been; those lost escapes of bliss reveal my shame. I am ashamed of you and what you’ve done. Those words you spoke can not mend our broken hearts…Know that I’ve broken your heart just this once – you’ve torn mine apart a thousand times – thus be gone. I’m incapable of loving you ever more…love someone else love me not.

I hold no love within this heart; just marks and scathes and crimson blood.

-your battlefield-

I’m putting away everything into boxes; and with that every piece of fabric unfolded memories. Yet, I found no remorse in hiding you; you do not belong in that box. Your far too precious to disregard so easily. But I’m compelled to let you go filled with regret…I must part with you and put an end.

At one point in life you were there for me…and withstood all the tears on my seams being worn out terribly with faults I possessed. Now I must face all that has come before us- it’s time to let go. Thus, I am forced to move on and be someone different and stand back and watch you descend into something more that we both together could never be…

I’m concluding this phase in my life. Your to please some other soul cause you satisfied my needs far more than required of you. We once were bound lovers but tonight as I carefully packed your remains into an old dusty brown box – I smiled with hope that you please someone else; put a dire smile on that sad lost soul facing nothing with eyes ablaze hoping for a better tomorrow devasted from today.

Sincerely Yours The Battlefield You No Longer Underestimate …

Update: I just wanted to add creativty to what I’m currently doing; cleaning out my closet and my bedroom….and placing books, clothes, everything into boxes.. put an end to a phase and experiment a new. Change should be different and difficult; now I must think of a color to paint my walls I want it black…but mama refuses and then again I want to paint my room with acryllic paint doodling the walls with images but that might be a bad idea…anywhoo I should continue what I started and resume my mission ;p…and settle for beige color or something soft instead 😉

Update: template changed ; I think this still keeps my obession with black and white entact; but forever blissful these colors assure a realm of my reality that I live in….I am thankful my cheers darling sis no4 has done all this magic…i watched in the process and she got attitudish on me she didnt even let me go anywhere just sit beside till she’s done…it’s worth the trouble ;)….she is mashallah talented ;*** to her!

cheers darling

Day One: 23/07/06

Left the house, double checked mentally what I forgot to bring along with me 😉 and then sat patiently in the car awaiting the terror to come, the airplane ride. I am not an airplane gal mainly due to the fact that the trip I once took for more than 7 hours flying with no rest was a horror. So this was pre-jitters anywhoo it weared off. My papa and big sis jackie took us to the airport..my mama, my 15 yr old sister and 4 yr old sister…let’s call one darling and the other lulu nickname for her real name lujain and me left on the jet plane to dubai ;).

We checked our bags, passport check, etc and then we waited for the flight to be called- ordered for my babay lulu mc donalds to eat. I at this point couldnt stomach anything and if I did I would throw it up, I took a pandol sense my stomach was aching…mainly cuz it was that time in the month of all the days :(…suprisingly I wasnt in much pain this time specifically on the plane ride. But when we got to the hotel, after I stupidly ate dinner, the food didnt want to stay in so I threw up, and then that’s when the pain kicked in…mama was my angel trying to make me feel better, hott water thingy on my stomach and I slept and apparently I talked in my sleep and she heard everything she told me i was reading sourat il fat7ah and she thought I was awake I have no clue anyways ;)…

The hotel we stayed at was kind of not the one we wanted, appartently the other hotel didnt confirm our rooms so we basically had to make due with what we got…My reaction to dubai was totally shocked and intrigued…I never pictured dubai like this. I’ve been here before but I never saw what I saw now… It was beautiful, different, glamorous and nothing I could have imagined it to ever be…

Day Two: 24/07/06

We changed our hotel room, since the one given to us was small and we were four, and the bed was king size yet it’s not comfortable to all sleep on one bed when you have a little baby who likes to kick in her sleep ;). So we go to a bigger better room, me and my sister in one had two small beds and my mama and lulu had a room, a big king sized bed, etc anywhoo this is day one of really exploring dubai.

We grab a taxi and head off to get some lunch at Sahari Mall in sharjah, our hotel is also in sharjah since it’s alchol free place and when you travel all girls you can never be too careful my point of view..anywhoo the mall was amazing, huge, decisive and so different from the one’s in kuwait. We had lunch, spent over 6 hours walking around, exploring, shopping and then we stopped at this toy store that was freakin amazing. My darling sister fell in love with this doll and I think I met a gay prince charming…;) we browsed my baby sister wanted a toy so we got her what she begged for..a barbie car and day two is when she shall ask for a barbie 😉 and get one.

Me and my darling sis, found a hot guy at 10 oclock typing on his Imac…so hot and tempting…ohh excuse my french but damn he was hott..why I wrote this here is beyond me…

My feet were aching when we got to the hotel, it was a damn entertaining excerise shopping. The driving there is awkard and different, they seem more civilized and people dont cut by you or chase you…people just drive and let you be. Just like in the mall as well, it’s different than marina were you cant walk without someone chasing after you, annoying you, basically they have no gez which i enjoyed. Hell, you can go out in your pajamas and no one would give a damn.

Day Three: 25/07/06

We head off to Ibn Batutah Mall, this is where the real shopping begins and the bad part was having to carry the bags all around. Pictures of some of the things I got are below. We first tried to find the food court but that was a dead end so we found pizza express and the atmosphere was so soothing. They had interesting art hung on the walls, picture below. My baby sister had a blast thus far bas this is when we figured that our walking is too much for her, so we bought a baby stroller from mothercare and there is where I saw the hott ghana accent guy behind the counter…he’s accent is just sooooooo speechless and when he smiled at me..attraction at first sight…what is wrong with me??.

Best part, my mama said go wild, buy what you like anything… So in each mall we go into a store, she and lujain go one way and me and my darling sister (15 yrs old) we go the other way and shop shop shop…and we met up when it’s time to hit the cashier counter. Anywhoo, the atmosphere there is so friendly everyone I repeat everyone is friendly.

My feet hurt and ache some more; I can’t feel my toes. When we got to the hotel and such, my sister jackie at home not with us tells me what I longed to here. Finally I’m registered for TOEFL thank to her, which is so pleasing to hear, part one of the process of college is underway anywhoo we tell her how we spotted this shop named “Jacky’s” that’s also where we buy sister fee who is in the states at college her birthday gift since last month she turned nineteen.. the mobile she wanted and we buy a camera since wooops we forgot to take one with us.

Day Four: 26/07/07

We head off to Wafi City, personally I didnt like the mall the shops were too labelish and ridiclously expensive for no reason what so ever. But I love the walls that are painted with scenery. We leave and head off to another mall, Dubai city centre and it’s fun and very crowded. I buy some sexy shoes, heels personally i dont were high heels but those were worth the ache my feet would go through wearing them. We spot Aldo and go in, and me and my sister get the aids necklace chains thingy…you purchase it and part of the profit goes to aids research I presume. The leather of the chain is too strong smelling but it’s for a great cause.

We browse up and down the mall, hott guy salesman at 9 oclock and eye contact vice versa…it’s a physical attraction no something is really different with me I would never have said this but why am I even blabbing this out.. I duno…I left my brain in kuwait I presume.

I hate the taxi rides; too long since we go from dubai to sharjah. My feet are really sore, I think this is the exercise of my life ofcourse I feel the aches and such since usually I am sitting on my lazy bum or walking but not this much…;) Sleep sounds very tempting at this point, and when your out from morning to night for more than 7 hours you’ll sleep like a baby.

Day Five: 27/07/06

Where the real fun begins, it’s dubai ski time…we were sweaters, dress lujain in warm clothes since we dont want her to get sick and we head off to Emirate mall. It was freakin huge and we stop first at Dubai Ski. Since we have a four year old, ski slope is out of the question and thus we pay for the Snow Park thingy, we get our boots, the oversized jackets, lock our possesions in the lockers and head on in.

I have see fake snow before in malaysia never the real thing but someday I shall. Anywhoo it was great, it was dark in the begining blue and dim and then you walk and see all the snow moldings, the carvings beautiful and apparently the people outside look in on you. It’s like we are being studied, we were the monkey’s, funny and weird. We take pictures here and there, I wore no gloves and stupidly made a snow ball to throw that’s when I stopped feeling anythin in my hands…it was sooooooo cold, freezing cold my hands were numb.

Lulu had a blast I went with her down this baby slope thingy for the kids, she had a great experience there and we captured her adorable reaction on camera as well as my small fall that froze my behind for minutes. Everyone was kind and friendly and we got some unwanted attention from the kuwaiti guys…who coindcence were on the same flight back home. 😉 Interesting.

We shop, spend hours and such then head on to the hotel, me and my mama watched the movie they put on channel one “Man without a Face”. We both were glued and intrigued and liked it. It was then and that day where mama enjoyed what I enjoy the most. Without A Trace and CSI crime investigation shows…i’m just fascinated and love how crimes and such are analyzed and people are caught etc…anywhoo…A great start and end to a wonderful day.

Day Six: 28/07/06

Homesick/ Longing for kuwait/went to china town aka dragon mart and then to another mall…i grew tired of shopping..i am anxious to get back to kuwait. I want out now.

Day Seven: 29/07/06

Let’s say I am so homesick, the water in dubai is different, it tastes weird. I miss everything at home. Anywhoo I give my baby lulu a bubble bath in the tub to distract her since mama is going out alone. We just didnt feel like going out so it was a laid back day…the day we must pack and I felt anxious to go back to kuwait. Lujain enjoyed the bubbles and played with her toys while I montiored so she wouldnt slip or injury herself etc… Let’s just say giving a baby a bath/shower in the process you will get soaked and wet all over. I dry her up, put her clothes on, she wants me to powder her tummy and neck and she’s ticklish so she laughs and giggles from her end and me tickles her. I again try to distract her so she wont notice mama went out.. so I blow dry her hair so she doesnt get sick, I let her listen to the ipod and she starts singing “babe i’m gonna leave you”…she has it memorized. She then puts Rhinna “Unfaithful” on replay and sings and sings and sings….it was a total kodak moment.

We start packing, me and my sister finish within a matter of thirty minutes, my mama still didnt start. We order some dinner, eat and I nap for a while. Then when it was time to sleep, me and my sister just couldnt fall asleep. For the reason being, I kept talking to her, asking her questions, life related and such and we reminisced about the past and how anxious to get back we were. We couldnt sleep, and didnt. Our flight was at 12 dubai’s time and so we had to go early to beat the traffic and let me tell you…traffic in dubai is nothing compared to kuwait. Our traffic is a blessing there you wont move for over twenty minutes…argh.

Day Eight: 30/07/06

Got dressed, called the reception to send someone to pick up our luggage. We left the baby stroller in dubai since it would be far too time consuming and back breaking to open and close and up and down place it here and there so we gave it away. Anywhoo, we check our bags and then go have some breakfast I later regret eating before the flight.

We browse the shopping area inside the airport, I buy some dvds, Manisfield Park and Sense and Sensibilty…basically eposides of the chapters and such of the novels I love. Anywhoo we check in and sit down waiting for the doors to open so we can board the plane. This is where I find the same people the guys I saw in dubai ski on the same flight back home. We flew via Jazeera airlines it was great in the coming but going back home was horrible.

The pilots voice was annoying, he sounded like a drunk tempered guy anywhoo my sister, baby sister and mom sat together. I am faced to sit away but beside them on the other side and two empty seats beside me. Suddenly I loved being there without any annoyance beside me but then two kuwaiti guy come and they sit in those two empty chairs beside me. The one near me was rather dashing but totally rude and such. I heard his whispers to his friend and it was rude and totally unkind of him to say what he said but whatever. I didnt give a damn and continued doodling what he remarked about was what i was doing…drawing…anywhoo screw him.

The landing was bummy and at a point I felt like I needed to grab the barf bag…we land hamdallah everything goes well the guy beside me was scared as well 😉 deserves it for what he said. Anywhoo we get off the plane, I need my bed, I need to rest, we go threw the doors and spot jackie waiting for us. Papa couldnt come since he was still at work. We hug her, she greets us and I tell her how much we truly missed her and she drives us home. At one point in the car ride, I was feeling the entire airplane ride take a hold on me and the motion sickness but finally we get home. I greet them and then I just say i’m off to sleep. I just couldnt keep my eyes open and I couldnt stomach eating lunch so I slept.

The adventure was great to dubai, I had fun it was absolutely not what I expected but I missed kuwait, I missed my papa, sister and my everything…..I missed everyone and I shall miss my jackie and papa who are heading to USA this wednesday….heheh this trip was kind of like since she goes to usa and since we were meant to go but they backed out and said no so this is like the compensation but whatever…I had a blast and it’s okay america can wait for me another day maybe next year inshallah if all goes well and things happen…but now I need to rest I’m flushed.

I need a vacation from the vacation. 🙂 Those are but a few of the pictures taken the others include us (mama, sis, baby sis, and me, so i opted not to post them 😉 i hope i didnt bore you 🙂

I dislike using the colors, I just wanted you not to blind your eyes from the constant white hope it helped

BEST:
1. Male friend: none that i know of…:) no one fits the description 😉 kidding
2. Female friend: fufuwa, doonz
3. Vacation: Malaysia, let’s just say the camera caught all the never to miss moments, my mama sliding on the ice, taking me down as well, my 2 older sisters wanting a tan so they sat in the sun, we put on sunscreen and went swimming and came out tanned…and them sun burned…lol i remember the joy in seeing Jackie peel off her skin and sigh over the horror and such of burning from the sun… humph butterfly farm(seriously there’s such a thing)…we not only saw butterflies but reptile creatures as well, my first sip of lemon or was it green tea it was so bitter and disturbing… and how can i miss my Jackie’s frog incident experience if it wasn’t for me and my masterful abilities at playing pranks she would have never met her soul mate that frog ;)…i’m hoping the trip to Dubai with my mama and sister’s will be another blast as well :p jetting off on sunday 😉 i’ll miss you guys