After weeks of believing they shall come an end…my doodles, my scanner decides not to give up on me….and now my dedicated readers i lay upon you two of my latest creations. Feedback and opinions are appreicated….

Right this moment, I’m in the dark, my eyes see nothing but distorted images and water trickles on the ground as I try to make the images focus and be….I am waiting for alot of answers and something to make everything bright….away from this and to ….

I did it, I did what I had to now all that remains is to see where I go on from there. Inshallah what is meant to happen does. Now I must continue with my sole purpose of this summer which is to think of the future for next year, my last year in high school. I am so happy that this chapter in my life is coming to end and now the challenge I’ve been awaiting is finally arriving. Whatever it may be, I am and shall be with a loving heart and a big smile. If it’s a rejection, so be it. If it’s an acception, may god be with me and if It’s neither then I do not mind. Everything is great at it’s time.

Aside from my stupid ramblings, I think I shall minimize my posting and concentrate on what’s at hand. I have to focus, I have to calculate, I have to do so much in so little time. And besides I shall hopefully be somewhere for sometime least a week… and then well matters will unfold. This post is pointless just like me at the moment. But within the hours of the upcoming days, I shall figure out the point. I hope that my dreams do come true. Which leads me to ask another stupid question, when you sleep, do you dream or just sleep and think of nothing? According to me and my life, I always dream and if I sleep without a dream, I wake up in a mood, and quite angry that is.:P..What about you?

Last but not least, I was so speechless and happy at yesterday’s game. Forzaaa Italia baby. Best match thus far and I can’t wait for today’s match…with italy I jumped up and down, screamed, cheered, by accident hurt my toes as I bumped into the… damn it aches but anywhoo….it was worth it and the match was great the last minutes as the players well you go figure…you’ll understand if your a girl but a guy then heheh never mind(after the goals i mean…when the players take off..hmm)…and I do believe someone out there is rooting and cheering for france to win, since my heart is with PORTUGAL who kicked their butts…do you want to guess who that person is….:Phehehhe

Portugal or Italia…inshallah become the world cup champions….hardluck to germany and inshallah France…no hard feelings… :)…papa, i thought i heard you rumble to me germany shall get the cup…heheeheh 😀 guess who is the ?? ! ehehheheh i love you

Dear Reality,

Why can’t you make it come true? Why do you always destroy the meaning of bliss and happiness in you? When I look back at things you’ve done, I always end up with tears that create this pond of my sadness. I think my previous letters to you were left unreplied. Why don’t you shed some light? When do I stop being a shadow and become something more?

It took several crumbled papers to come to this. I’m not even proud of what i’ve said or what i’m going to say…..But you can’t hold me back, can you? Your not some being I can trust and give my love to? Your overrated and misleading. I’ve set several paths to take, yet you always brought me back to square one, lying flat on my face bleeding with moans and aches. I wept for you, for someone to help save you? Or is it me who needs to be saved??!

I think you’ve lost yourself and me within, I think we can never be something because you never follow through. You give up too easily and you can be quite a bitch. I would have bitten my tongue yet I dont care, since it’s you i’m speaking to and being called that is meaningless…Can we not turn back to the old days, when “ever” was beautiful and you pulled through…?

Life ain’t easy, it wasn’t meant to be but your making it intolerable, sadly true. Your making me dread the wake of moments I once put my heart and soul into. I guess you will never, hmm… I guess you will never rest things aside till you suck their blood, bite them hard and lick the wounds to be viewed as caring. Your sinful to cover up, your lying to yourself and fogging up my chances….

I’ve been scarred by you, used, molded into something that wasn’t me….so what i’m saying is…can i ask you something….”Who scarred you? Bruised your image? Turned you into this?.. and devastated you? Forget… because it’s making all thats around you miserable.

I hope this letter goes unanswered, I hope your memories remain the same, I hope for yesterday to be today….Exactly???What the hell? I hope i’m contradicting you! Hah, yeah right you’d say….

I never gave up, I’ll never give in…I’m up for this challenge and will make it come true. Just after I gloat in more of your misery and attain more bruises….;(

Without Love,

Dreams

They drove in silence, neither one of them wanting to interrupt each others thoughts or distrub this pleasurable stillness of sound. They provoked each other with these moments that measured their true understanding of each others feelings. Their eyes seemed to project their pleasure and masked the dissatisfaction to merciless ends.

She no longer wanted this adventure to go on anymore; she’s through with this entire chaotic mind swinging feelings that just won’t stop churning. It’s time the ticking stops, the handle freezes and they continue moving their souls on separate paths.

It’s been over for quite awhile, but the void of silence has been the equation to this disillusion. Deception was all she could utter beneath her soft breathe…It was truly the harsh ending to a heart breaking story. The love dies within their bodies as they explore the beginnings of nothing more.

He found the drive taking longer than usual. It was the casual daily routine they took every Friday at dawn. They were more acquainted with each other to understand the silence meant one thing….false endearment and paining love. He longed to find some time alone with her, yet she’s been avoiding their encounter, making up fake excuses to delay. He knew her feelings have yielded nothing more from her part than hurt and throbbing aches.

The windshield was so clear and transparent that their reflections were somewhat a dream. They looked like happiness miserably seeking an end. They looked like beautiful people sharing the happiness of the long stressful days. Yet it was mirror-like but failed in validating the truth of skin and flesh…..

To Be Continued…Or Not 😉

yes, moi is guilty of having free time on her hands, i have nothing to do but make up stories but i have soo much to do…hehehee, i have to write that and research this and redo that and think about Senior Year and crap and apply and such…but i think next week shall be my last holiday then i must get down to business and decide how i want to shape the future because when summer ends, reality will strike and what comes after school will hopefully college unless me dies 😉 anywhooo so i must must strategize and plan….

i bored you yup, so anyways i am looking forward to PORTUGAL vs. ENGLAND i cant wait inshallah it goes as i plan to expect, i want their battle to last over over time, when they can bring in the hott shot players to do some penalty kicks, :)….i know reality is portugal has 85% chance of defeat but come what may i will take it with a big smile hell i am proud they made it thus far……….portugal may god be with you..and make this girl proud :*

Cluttered!

Your the portrait I longed to paint. Your the priceless artifact not on sale. Your the future of my life. Your the handles on the clock that sway from side to side. Your my everything but you dont know me, yet here I am writing you this letter hoping you understand something…

I love the feel of the broken glass scarring my wrist, I think of you as always that is. I love the feeling you ignite in me, when I miss you still. You are something undefined. Your the mission I seek to conquer and declare mine. Your the mountain I long to climb, your the ocean that shall drown me breathlessly. You are something, you are my all, yet you never knew me.

This may seem awkard, you may be vain, yet my infatuation of you is set to blame. I wished for you, every night. I wanted you to hold me tight…wipe my tears that they made me cry. I want you to understand that once upon a time you were nothing and now your my all. Save me, reject me, just tell me that i’m dreaming and make me sense reality….

Why am I so in love with you? Is it because we both are exposed to the sad truth? Your abused and i’ve been used? Can’t you create a land of make-believe like I do? Picture yourself some different soul, don’t be unhappy when your not at fault. Dont be something you know they are.

Here I am, dying for you, wanting you to see me as beautiful! Hoping you shake yourself loose and look around you. I am infatuated, melting with tears and love for you. Are you someone who will be my something, but sadly with the news that lay, I am talking to the one who shall never be as I wanted true.

Your years older, and i’m feeling small. In the world of misconceptions and illusions that never end. In time I hope I rest those thoughts of wanting you to be my all. I wanted for now to make you feel, that a soul out there is in your reach…but you cut your strings so soon, its by far a crime I will hold aganist.

So you’ve been bruised, you’ve been in pain. We are all bound and caged yet I longed to set you free, and make you fly gracefully. Your the rose that never wilts…your the soul who is my one and only….I am your shadow and I am your light….I wished to guide you to that place so bright..yet you took matters in your hands aye, decided to end this growing pain…

Here I am crumbling this letter that shall never touch your hands, hear I am murmuring words that you’ll never read, because you couldn’t take it, you couldn’t run. You are now resting peacefully yet are you content with all thats been. If I had been you, i’d never give in, i’d struggle and tumble and bleed and be………

I loved you then and I love you still, the growing pain that keeps me going shall never rest.I think I have found happiness, even though your gone and i’m alone. I told you once in my dreams, to close your eyes and think of nothing. Forget the scars that scortch your back, forget the happenings of pain and such. Just feel the beat of my heart and think of nothing less at all. Dont imprison your emotions of love and caress the pain, you never heard me, you never did.

Unfortunately the battle you fought you lost in shame, killing yourself whats to say? I rather dont blame you, but I also do. I hope you found spite as I have found in you. You know that canvas thats sitting in the corner of my room? The same one i dreamed to paint your portrait on…. Its starring at me, waiting to be something symbolizing you. Yet I dare not stroke a brush on its skin, I find it a reminder of you and your sin. With the looks of it and the shape its in, you seem to have erased your figment in my imagination. You’ve left no mark, the blank sheet thats resting on this table have never been touched. To set the record straight, I never lifted that pen and marked the sheet with ink. I didnt write you anything, I didnt meet you still….come to think of it, I never will….

!!!!

THIS WHOLE PIECE IS A CONTRADICTION…at least i think so as i was writing it, kept trying to hook it all together and make it seem true, yet i hope what i wanted to be known is seen across to you…:)

-your battlefield….aka dandoona off to bed yup i’ve stayed up for too long….i shall rest and read your comments later on ….i just cant stop this freaking rhyming its getting on my nerves…toodles for now, you all shall be missed :)..argh i should duck tape my mouth and let the rhyming end…:)

normal pathetic post ahead:

first of all, i have been somewhat dead to the world for two consectutive days….i have been sick and feeling like hell. you name it, i had it….i felt like something was outstretching my stomache, and my god the pain…it just simply was my companion for the entire day yesterday and somewhat now….i hate it when i get sick…i just couldnt even move to go to the doctor…so i was basically curled up in different positions every five minutes cuz i couldnt stand the pain in one location……. i am sooo tired and weary from yesterday that the entire day was spent in my room or the bathroom….either trying to fall asleep, trying to take some medicine….yucky pills that just wont stay in my system for less than a minute…it will go out the same location it went in, my mouth….aka…barfed it out….am sorry for this inconvience of grossing you out…bas i am in no mood to write a story or some poetry i just wanted to explain my absence well its probably only i who noticed..but anywhooo….

the best part of being sick was the people who really care about you are right beside you trying to make that miserable pain subside and go away….i love my mother who stood by me and tried to make me feel better, and at last after 5 hours of feeling like hell i finally went to sleep, and for my sisters who checked up on me and asked me how i felt…and for informing me that my portugal won against holland bas someone injuried my honey and they shall have to repent…i hope my ronaldo feels better and i cant wait till they face off with england…that will be a game none should miss……anywhoo my baby little sister whom played doctor to me…it was sweet of her and i love her so much….and also to my father who is out of the country but for calling up and asking how i felt…..and for everyone else from my family and etc……when your feeling the pain and aches, there is always someone who’ll make you see the brightness of this day….

anywhooo i guess my post is boring you out and such…so i’ll try to end it smoothy and with some sophistication….i am loving each and everyone of you this moment in time…and i think i shall go lay down for now cuz all this recollection of what happened is taking a toll on me….anywhooo….i missed you bloggers and i missed my healthy self…inshallah tomorrow i’ll be feeling better than before….:)

i would like to wish my sister who is thousands of miles away in college..a happy wonderful birthday….babes your finally 19….damn thats old…hehhe kidding bas still no matter how old or young you are…your the inspiration in my life and without you and your constant motivation you give me i wouldn’t make it out in the real world…..i love you till death do us part….and i hope your summer course is going well with you….and doll your birthday gift will be coming to you when inshallah they come to see you in august…..i lurve you….so much….and its simple you are getting a nice gift whether you care to accpet it or not….

two years ago…this day started out like any other bas ended up with a heartache…..bas inshallah this day dosent replay itself…….hamdallah for everything and 🙂

sorry for not posting up an image….damn blogger dosent want to load anything i want…:(

Dear Self,

I want you to recall whats set to end…

Its been year’s, hasn’t it? Its been week’s since we last met! Its been forever since you felt the adrealine rush. Its been hours since that crush turned into love. Its been minutes since we went our separate ways. Its been seconds before i threw your dear letter to the bottom of our well.

How many people will stop to console me, let it end? How many more touches of sympathy will I need before I just erupt? How many more tears shall fall on my cheeks before my tears be spent, and I be tearless? How many words so useless will pledge their love to me, till I understand the dear truth of end?

People will simply die tired of me, consolation will be my last resort and lasting plea. The soft hands that caress my touch shall end now, and die without a thought. Pledges of love, sacred it may, will be the beginning of something less, because the difference was just simple, but complicated you had to be!. We are in dire need for sometime to speak, but where have you jetted off to again?

The trublence of the plane your feeling as you read my letter, is yet another sign of us on breaking ends. The jabs of pain mimicking their hands caress were the last touches from the wound the collision set forth. Is it me, or are you in the moments of your last wish, last reminise, last breathe before dying, last taste of beauty on this earth? Whats the last regret from you of me? What the last word you beg to say, oh please voice it to me?

I am standing still wishing I was like this well, humble and dark, silent and yet awakening. The bucket can rise up and down, but weightless and heavy when its wishes to be. I wish to be it. I wish to dry it up. I wish to direct your thoughts to this place the last. I wish for minutes to besiege your dying escape. I wish you die in pain, because…

Because I missed you dearly. I miss you still. It dosent really mean that I love you . It dosent make things right when they are entirely wrong. It dosent end our figment of love. It dosent bury your corpse with loving hands, it just brings a heart burn to my emotions that wish to stop. It only means that your ending was a birth of me.

Lastly, and without a hint of tears, are you settled and breathing death? Are you careless, wounded, and whispering whose name? Do you still blame me for falling out of love? Do you still believe that we could really hide our shame? Do you still believe our love was sweet and without pain?

Answers to my questions will remain unknown, for you have left me here to mourn, the loss of you, the loss of me, the loss of someone bittersweet.

Yours Truly,

Never Shall Be
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I wanted to post up a doodle, bas my scanner wont care to work for now, so i’ll let it be for another day. Instead i thought of posting up a short writing piece, hope you like it…and tell me do you get what i’m trying to say…anywhoo enjoy this day…:) and i think today my portugal is playing and inshallah they will make me happy and proud of them….but still whatever they bring forth i accept.:P

i dont sleep, i dream.

i dont eat, i enjoy.

i dont laugh, i glitter.

i dont know you, just your scars.

i dont lie, i am just damn honest.

i dont assess, i take notice to indifference.

i dont realize, i energize.

i dont appreciate, i love mysteriously.

i dont cry, i bleed tears.

i dont get anger, i just release the aggravation.

i dont find things simple, i just like complications.

i dont find you charming, i find you appealing.

i dont age, i just wrinkle from my smiles.

i dont misunderstand, i just define.

i dont read, i believe.

i dont draw, i imagine.

i dont like you, i just know you.

i dont know if you seen another battlefield, but today i’m your’s.(?)

from me to you…or not so..;)

hmmm….its been far too long since i posted a doodle….and well i decided…i should today…for some reason or for nothing at all….hope you like it….feedback is desirable by this battlefield….

your opinions, dislikes and such to this latest creation…it took me how many bloody hours to finish….well i began it at 6 pm and finished it finally at1:30 am…my hands are aching but i think it was worth it….i ran out of ink during the process and used some water to make it last tooo lazy to go get another pen from the pack….

i am proud of myself that it didnt take twenty sheets of paper to settle on continuing the doodle, just one which is a miracle….:) in my case

anywhooo…..am thinking of doing a doodle pre day and come the end of summer i’ll be rumaging through a packs of paper…reminicsing of the hours spent creating them..

how old are you?do you act that age…and what categorizes us acting our age….????!!!

now….am i really seventeen? its always being everyones reoccuring question… and i continue to shurg and be guilty….yes, confirmed, no use denying it, am guiltyof being seventeen

i am SEVENTEEN…

dont find the age any more enticing than 18 or 19 or any age for the matter….i believe that age is but a number easily forgoten yet can make some degree of difference..

was wonderin what age do you think me be?what makes you think so….??!!

just a curious battlefield anxious for your desirable feedback….

and well the month i turn eighteen will be the month my baby bloggy is a year old “feburary”…..times go by so fast….hell june is almost over…for me at least…:P

anywhooo….whats happened to you at seventeen?!!!anything memoriable….

on another note….i dont know why i’m saying this but i love it when i get the hiccups, or when i wake up in the morning and my voice is disconnected and has this hmmm….deep, soft, alluring nature to it….but then im back to my stupid voice in a mere 30 minutes…anyways…

now me is off to play barbies with my baby four year old sister and another one :)..yes lame…guess who’ll enjoy playing the most….am going to design them some clothes….make them fashionable ;)….first must find some cloth to start my stiching…anywhooo enjoy the day 🙂 tooodles…for now!

so have you lost yourself, wished you were someone else?

have you any excuses to suit your case of being ashamed?

are you a battle without glory? and be it that, what’s your strategy?

did you cry when you shouldnt and were tearless when you should have wept..?

i dont know, how many times do you say these 3 words in a day?

hmmmm…now i just dont know what spurred on those questions….hmmm….well then awaiting your answers…i shall be off to doodle for some time….;)

but am wishing i could watch the soccer games but yes our showtime doesnt want me to watch it…we have to get the card thingy so you can watch it….that was the most stupid thing ever done…permiting people from watching yet its the smartest ever…their flithy rich now from everybody rushing out to purchase so they can watch the matches….ohh germany 2006 i route for portugal…portugal to the end…if they end then holland :)….anywhoo

toodles… for now!