A touch of yellow and a taste of red, my body is numb from the bottom of my soul to my exposed chest. Touch, taste, and smell. A sheet of silk wrapped around my head. I sound dark and lust the feeling of breathless. There’s a sun-kissed fire burning in my lungs. Smell the scent.

A touch of grey and a taste of black, my heart is charcoal and the blood oxygenating my heart is poor. Touch the beat. Taste the blood. In a white dream my skin is silk. With a moon that’s lonely and my lips soft, my color  becomes satin red. Flushed cheeks, warm hands and the fire is still burning strong. Smell the scent.

A touch of color against my chest, A taste of water wetting my dry sins. I am a paralysis of the mind, and you are the thief of a restless night.

To my heart,

I never stop loving and my eyes never stop giving.

To my black soul,

Do not be ashamed if you are left standing alone – just satisfy your threshold.

Lost in the midst of movement – dark brown eyes tire relentlessly in search of a past. To touch and taste it. Remember what it felt like. Remember you can feel.

Wake.

Awake.

Awakening a clump of love, sandwiched in the chest and yet the body is still seizing.

In that gown you were delicate. You were blue, it was delicate. Sensitive red. The most sensual black eyes so giving.

The year of last was the aftermath of a year old earthquake. Remember the feeling of loss, of white heat radiating across every inch of my body. You were difficult and I was careless.  I let you in the heart carefully. But then I sunk deep into calm moments and we were in movement, but it ended in chaos of a heart.

Shivering.

Alone.

Fingers tracing.

Lips searching for sufficient blood.

Failing.

End stage and very frail.

Change is always a good thing and it happens consistently. In the moment it may be cold, and cruel to our needs. But as a chapter new begins and distance builds a different fortress to hide in, eventually we realize the lesson nestled in that change. May it be a rose losing its beauty or a heart that stops beating.

Shaking intimate feelings and breaking the silence. 2010. Single tears use to visit these eyes but in the absence of a year and love, these eyes wanted hard to cry but the hurt has started to rest in a grave of love.

Sweet, gentle, and delicate love.

A hard black mass is resting.

A hard black mass is resting on the top of that man’s chest.

Yesterday, his story touched my life. The love of his life had died in his arms. And I watched this man tell his story. Relive a past in 29 minutes and at its end, all I could think  about was, will the throbbing in my heart and the tightness in my stomach and your beautiful scent make this life more beautiful or difficult to live in if you passed away.

In dedication to that loving memory, of

Insufficient Blood.

you touched my life and i will never forget…

what true love can feel like.

It is loneliness that makes the loudest noise. Absence diminishes little passions and increases great ones, as the wind extinguishes candles and fans a fire. I really should not be saying this at all.

You will not even know, because you choose to stand back. You barely noticed that my world is falling apart. You are too busy populating your own life – surrounding yourself with fake care and lusting love. What a shame it is that I keep making excuses and believing their was greatness in you. I have a hope inside me, I pray that you will realize some day that you lost a diamond while you were too busy collecting stones. I want you to realize already.

I deserve more.

Do you know what your heart is for?

I keep thinking about you. I miss you terribly.I should not miss you. You are not even deserving. But I can not even understand why I miss you. I should save the tears, my loneliness, and indulge my mind, body and soul covering my shell with a mask of happiness. Spread the cream, smooth my roughness, I dropped a tear in the ocean.. I hope you realize that you still make me cry even as I try to stop remembering you.

Why do we love those who leave, those who only care about themselves. I want it to break into a million and one pieces. I just want it to feel the meaning of lonely, loss and sadness.

Love is an ability. I honestly say .. I can predict and tell .. that for you it is in abundance. You love some one new ..  and then into the past you immerse yourself  .. A force of magic has you in love with the feelings that I can not bother to understand and why you are still desiring and willing to go back to. You are absurd. I find it a mystery. Its a waste of my energy to try to solve you.  Do not love, or at least keep it in a box.  Express love. Bury it after, do not come tell me.

Lying is easy. But a lie can always guilt the reality of a truth into understanding the person you trusted so very much with your precious life .. your empty soul .. your intimate being .. is actually a crook .. a nighttime thief .. who enjoys breaking things and leaving without bothering to replace or fix the broken pieces.

The past can teach you to determine your ridiculous notion .. your first instincts about a person always speak the truth .. so when you thought twice .. it was a blessing but .. trespassing .. boundaries no longer known .. cultivate an idea emphasizing passion, love and belief..

I promise I wish you break hard.

Into a million and one pieces.

I love pieces.

Shattered all over the carpet floor.

Remember disclosing information to the world, and then disclosing the facts of your situation can benefit .. but trust is a big step. I do not trust you. I never should have.  Considerable people, considerations, consider the ultimate hurt that will always follow when you trust in someone .. they always let you down. I said nothing wrong.

If you disagree, call a lawyer.

And tell them to sue,

For deception,  on the basis of false pretenses , it was my form of mental abuse that I leveled into your mind ..  I had no intention for pain. If you can fight the chances of distance, if you can tell me that hearts grow fonder .. and people actually care .. you have a case.

Love is for the weak, at least tonight I say so.

I wish you happiness.

At least I want you to believe I actually do…

Black hearts are trouble.

I am for someone else .. And you are for someone other than me. I wish I was that somebody for you, but complications exist, and us together receives resistance.

The years have spoken, they had their say .. Our history denies us a future and you are falling apart as I stand in front of you. You tug at my shirt and I stop myself from holding your hands that are restlessly resting in your lap.

Let go.

It was a delicate touch,

You gave me a delicate hug,

I watched and the intensity in your eyes, You started raining tears on my shirt. It was a firm grip. Beautiful, it was always our reality to have an ending. And this was it. You. In my arms. I am broken. You are sad.

Today, I loved you. I will forever,

but I buried the feelings of love and I burned everything, leaving only the memories in my mind .. I hate the mind, and how it has a capability to retrieve the best and worst .. I miss myself around you .. I miss how the moon smiled bright and I always lost myself in your eyes ..

Ente el Gumar ..

Mani Gumar

Lakn ya 7abeb el ro7

Wainek ma tebayen

Mishtaga leshofek

Mishtag moot

My world did not shatter, and the glass I had assumed was still embedded in my heart does not live there anymore. I am free, and I feel extremely beautiful.

You know the lesson in life that matters, those who mean the most do not matter anymore, and I am perfectly okay with that. Love is an ability, and you can lose it.

I lost the ability to love, and I am fortunate, because it does not exist in this world.

I feel beautiful, I am honest, and I can barely keep the smiles from describing my feelings. The few meaningful tears I cried changed me,

but after they fell, and after I wiped the salt residue, I am perfectly okay with everything. As much as I try to hold onto a past that died and will never re-exist, I am in love with myself, with my life, and I never need anyone.

ever.

Thank you for the realization, Thank you for the perfect chapter ending, and Thank you for a beautiful beginning of a beautiful me.

I end it as it is, it is what it is, it is a beautiful rose, picked premature but still, the reddest shade and crimson. I loved you,

but not anymore.

Methel el zmaan Wada3tek o galby ma3ak walakeen .. It ends, It ended. Your pull, was a push, and I am glad

Here we go again,

Endings are beautiful.

A little spec of possibility

Can make or break a human being.

I love those voices that have you travel with your memories so far away.

I’m still here.

Did you forget?

Well I forgot.

I forgot that a heart made of stone sealed with brass and colored red still makes my heart ache. I forgot to remember you instead. You are the prince of my desert, a man behind a mask – I remember tigers are tame and never hiss. They do bite.

So I miss you.

And I hope to forget

That you did not actually forget to remember who I am or was.

Reunion in the rocks,

Reunion and rub the sand against my calves.

Trickle cold water on my lips.

Itch a marker colored black on my bones and whisper softly, “Why would you expect I could forget?”

Itch.

Mark.

Grasp my wrists.

And slowly X my heart.

Watch my chest still.

Do you hear me breathing ..

I just sent a cold chill that traveled to the top of your spine.

Do you know that your heart is beautiful even if you did forget.

Your eyes are always beautiful even though its been a time now, a long time now and I miss watching them become mischievous.

Can you figure it out .. I have to forgive myself.

Imagine if you see me in a week, would you look past the difference.

Would you come to me.

And finally

Forbidden storm,

Have you realized that I am someone special.

Or should I …

Trust that you can remember.

I actually trust you again.

And you have forgotten to remember me for weeks now.

Forget it

& give my heart away.

I have to let the past go ,,

Maybe someone will fall in love with my broken smile.

When I love deep – I love honestly.

I never do this ,, and I never will again ,,

Its a once in a lifetime thing ,,

A sound of relevance.

Confused by everything.

I tried to hide you in my heart. I honestly failed. You see, you’ll always be in my eyes. I wont deceive me, I really don’t know what to do. I have to stop saying. I have to stop. But I cant stop this feeling. Help me bury it.

Bury me.

Deep.
Deep to my knees.
A thickness of mud,
Clump the waste against my heart.

I have to bury my love for you.

Because you
Your not as you usually are
Your almost as dead as that rose I gifted you

I
I should smile for you
Mask my sadness
Just for you
I’m closing my heart from you again

Your in love with someone else

Right now

Everything
Everything is wondering
Wonder where you are
Wonder if she keeps you up at night
Wonder if you actually know what love means

Because you failed to find it in me

I really loved you

Just remember the moment of our insanity
My heart was in yours
Yours is still buried in mine
You’ll always be

Buried deep
Deep in my heart
You supply me with blood

I only wish in my eyes
You would realize
That my eyes genuinely love you

I don’t know why
I don’t know until when

But I don’t know anymore
I wish you would let me know you

My only wish is
I hope you are well
I hope you are great
You are in my heart
But I have to force you out

I must stop caring
Because your in love with her
I have to dig deeper
I need to be chest deep in the mud

I need it to remain buried
I’m back to remaining silent

My first lie I gift from my heart

I hate you.

My feelings are cold. The hours are dark. I wanted a lot from 2009 but I was left without a feeling. I am even colder now. I use to own my heart.  I use to actually mean my smiles. I have never lied this much to myself. A time ago I would cry tears. You could easily trigger their release. But just yesterday, when I should have cried not even a single tear wet my eyes.

I am emotionless. I really am numb.
I do not know who this person I look at in the mirror looking back at me wants.

You really think you know your life is on track then it all unravels. I am lost with all your sadness. How much can a human handle of a burden that is not theirs?

I can only shackle my ankles. I will gently handcuff my own hands. I will place the blindfolds in your hands. Kindly blind me.

I will not ask you please.
I need to momentarily escape.

I miss smiling.

Nothing even started right this year.

I still am without a heart,
You never gave it back.

And now with it gone, I do not even know why I feel so broken from the last few days when I should simply be empty.

I want to dance in the river of my own tears, and I want to watch the moon kiss the stars as they did once upon a time.

I am not happy.
And I honestly do not want to be happy right now.
I can not even if you forced me

You masked me in my own bitterness
You were suppose to love me until the cord quit.
But here I am questioning the simplest of loves, and the strangest vine in this world.

I want it all black
So blindfold me.

You can duck tape my lips,
I do not want to speak

Silence always loved me.
The only love yet to disappoint.

Te7eb ghari
E7lef
E7lef la bil laah e7lef
E7lef ya khawaan
Yali esmek fil teraaab enkateb
O rameet el thekrayet fil ba7ar
Gader o lakn el zmaan gadaaar

Te7eb ghari
Yallah ro7
Ma sema3tek
Ma sema3tek yali kent ghali

Tegol ya 3omri
Tegool enta te7eb
Te7eb ghari ya 7abebi
Te7eb ghari
5ala9
7eb

Layeh tegool
O layeh te3atheb
Ro7 allah ma3ak
Ro7

Jay tegooli 3an ghalaha
Jay tegooli teshtagelaha
Jay tegooli
7ubha ghair 5hayeli
Jay tegooli
Bil laah
Ya 7ayati
Ya ro7i

Ya kelma fil zmaan
Madri laish kent aghleek

7abeebi
enta ma tadri
ma3na kelmat a7ebek
la wallah
o ma tadri ena heya bet3athebek
bet3athebek akthar

wana bantentheer eb3eed
o bathhaak
bathhaak ya 7abeebi 3alek
lama te6ee7

btenjer7 bilzmaan
btenjer7 o abd ma kan el jar7
shy kent areeda lek

btelgah eli kanat te3ezek men be3eed
ma 3adaat tekoon bgorbek
lah
ma 3adat 7ata te7ebek

ensa el hawa
ensa
el zmaan
ensa
ma3ana kilmat a7ebek
o ro7 allah ma3ak

tegol
tegol te7ebek
o ent thayeeb bil ma7aba
ya 6eer
ya 6eer fil sema
ya 7abeeb
ya 7abeeb lo teeji ghorbee
bagtelek
bil eeid

dam3a meni ma testaahal
dam3a meni ma telgaha

galbi lek kan ayaam zmaan
galbi lek lah walla  ma teswaah
galbi ye3shag gharek
lah
lah akatheeb
lah

galbi ma ye3shag
galbi maat

fa ya 7abeb el ro7
tegol enta mayeet fil gharam

Ya 7ayati
Lo tethen enek fil 7ub thayeeb
Ghaltaan
Ghaltaan 7abeebi
Enta ma 3endek galb
Eshloon ya ghali
Tethen enta te7eb

Enta
Enta yali gahrek el z’maan
Enta yali es’mak en’maha men elgalb
7ubak kan 3a’thaab
3a’thab lil a’saf mansaah

Enta
Enta ma tesh’taag
Lah ya ro7i

Lah

Lah ak’theeb 3alek
Lah tek’theeb 3aleyh

Ent
Ent ment dari
Ent ma tadri

El 3a’thaab men b3’dek ye’waseni
El ga’lam eb su’holah b3’dek en’kasar
Laken el dam’3ah
El dam’3ah be3aini ma nezlat

Eli fel z’maan
te’hawal
O ha’wel
Hawel kil el’basher

Basher ensaan
Ja’me’len fe z’maan kaan

Ya ga’laam el mak’soor
A’howelek le’ensan

Te’7wah o tet’kalam
Te’7eb gharii
Te’7wah o tet’2alem
Betnkeser mn gharii

Betnkeser youm

Enta ma3ah elwagt
Ma3ah el’wagt be’tenjer7

Ansa
O ensa
O nensa

El war’dah bil gabaa tet’3athab
El 3ain men do’nek te’shof el’denya ba’7ar

Mohjaatah gah’weya

Ma yer’tebek
Ma yer’7am
O abd ma yen’saa

Methel el mojj
Er’7al yali 3a’thab 3aleyh yes’2al
Laish el so2al 3aini yes’3aab

Ent
Enta
Enta nasee

Ya ro7i

3a’lemt galbi yen’saak
3a’lemt galbi ye’be3ek o yesh’terek
Yeshterik bil’zmaan ber’5ee9

Ban’saah
O enta nesaat
Halii o Galbi

Ya galb mak’theb 3alek

E leh meta te7’wah ka’thaab
E leh meta te7’wah kha’yen
E leh meta enta
E leh meta

Te’3atheb’ni

Tadri
Tadri ya 3aini
Tadri enta wa galbi
Ma feek defaah e7sas
Ma fee galbii 7ub
Ma fee galbi kilmat a7ebek

El zmaan hawel
Nesaet a7waak
o bil wagt

Bansaah El z’maan

o bensak

Bedayet at3ab wentah ma tadri 3aini

Bedayet at3ab wentah bkil e7sas

Te3awadt tensani

Abeek te7es o tesma3

Abeek tesma3

Nabthaat galbi

Lik galb

Wentah leh meta bteg’tel gal’bi

Ma tabeeni

Ebte3adt

Webtdayet at3ab

Galbi ma 3ad feeni

Galbi ma adri waini

Muthaa ayaam

O 3awaam

Ma dri lo teshafeeni

Gewaat el jefaa

O ma adrii

Tara dam3eeti ba3adha tes2al 3alek

Yalli 7abetek fil 3omr mrrh

7aram tel3ab bilsho3or

Adri enik reja3aat laha

Adri enik galb ma yestahal nabthaa

Rejaa3t te7baha

Ebte3ed leb3eed

La tejeeni ba3ad esneen

Ya 6eer fel semah

Ya ghareeb

6eer o gareed leb3eed

Bil semah ma abeek

Gareed o gani 7ub leb3eed

Tara galbi

Galbi enjar7 o ma 3ad yadri

Enta taketh eli yebe3eek o yeshterek

wallah ya denya

kil shy o la bd leh nehyah

Ebtes2al 3ainii

Wellah btegtelni

Ma adri

Walkn adri

Enta

el 7ub ma ye3nek