Stop breathing and pushing against my heart. I want you to push back my words. Let me choke. I should know better, but a piece of me broke. I broke again. I said never again.

An itched out figure, with two black eyes. This is not good, the past died. Two caring hands, that stole my heart. Used it for storage, and then hardly turned back to say goodbye. I just heard the car ignition click, and your gas pedal sink. I wanted you to turn the lights out. I wanted to cover myself up in a classic sheet of uneasy feelings, the windows outside are breaking. The wind is whispering against the glass, and the rain is falling hard. I tried to hold them back, but they started falling. Its raining my storm.

You are driving by an ocean, and my eyes are drowning.

Work your windshield wipers, I covered your shield with memories.

Deep brown eyes, my heart always lied about the honest truth. It is not that I love you again, I just care and it does not die. I tried real hard. Blame my open heart, and the speed bumps that edge against my chest. The chapter you read to me last night, I closed your book quick. I lost that page you bookmarked, you should never be able to find the same sentence that you started reading.

You let me go.

I am sorry.

You said I should go.

I wish I had a hole in my heart, instead I think you have it in the mirror of your car. The objects in the mirror really are closer then they appear.

You have to keep your lips tight, your mouth shut and you should get out my life. You understand, I understood. You said you felt but feel that the sensations were nothing more than what was.

I can atest to lies behind your words. An echo of silence, when my act of breathing began to hurt. Easy in, breathing out. I disfigured your image from my heart, and I burned your letter in the dark. I found you a puddle of liquid, liquifying my disgruntled heart. You were not the disaster I wanted to rip me apart.

A lighter and a cold wet cloth. I torched those letters we previously formed. I wiped the ashes from when they burned, and I brought those memories from above the dirt. I could care less and I can’t say more. I want the words to go shallow, and the rain to stop pouring all over my clothes.

You can volcano against my life, but you don’t have no right anymore. You chose to shut that door, and walk away. I’ve realized my worth and my eyes didn’t bother to look. I closed them shut, and those tears I pictured to course and fall, they didnt play their part.

I didn’t shed one tear at all.

And I didn’t find you, because you were out of mind.

I can atest to three words, aside from your cold heart, “I hate you” will never say enough.

Lesson of the year: come up with something – a type of drug, that can enable memories to die, other than having long term amnesia.

We grow up to find this world isn’t really what it seemed to be.

I need a game over,

or try again.

Is that too much to ask for?

I use to say I feel dead inside. But now I just feel tired. Your eyes couldn’t measure the heartburn. And my lips couldn’t taste your hurt. I tried so bad. I would’ve tried for a long time. But it doesn’t matter now. It’s a bad feeling when you break stained glass. It’s so familiar. All goes silent, but before silence, it was very loud. It was beautiful.

.
.

Not to long ago, I was alright. Usually you wouldn’t expect so much to change overnight. But now the world is empty. Very empty. Everyone chose to walk away. And the lights are blinding my eyes. I remember having a heart. I remember the times, and now I’m emptied. Of almost everything ..

.
So I use to say I feel dead inside. But now I don’t have feelings. And so I’m not justified to say. A part of me died.

.

I miss me
I miss you
I miss the past
I miss what was
I miss the fragments
I miss our clauses
I miss everything about you
Your scent,
Your taste,
Your touch.

I never had enough.
I will never too.

It’s all silence now and you don’t give me words. You don’t want too. I have trouble breathing. It’s all way too hard. I always find myself on the ground now. The lights are too dim, and my heart isn’t giving. I’m not anymore who I wanted to be. I miss you. I’m mentally locked down. My smiles are too well rehearsed, and you make it hard to smile when you don’t want to sound a word.

Remember when I imagined it could be the same again.

I was wrong again.

I don’t want the same, I want to go on. Forbidden chances, you lived once – I can tell you I don’t imagine I’l live it again. I’m dying a thousand times lately, especially during the nighttime, when the moon is out again.

Would you ..

Sit next to me. Play with my hair. I want to feel the care again. On any side of the coin, I want to be tossed around. I want you to side. Chose a side. Would you stand beside me? And catch me? I trust you .. I’m going to fall on you  ..

It hurts a lot.

You have to catch me this time, no strings attached.

Everything is in the distance now. Thunderstorms happen twice a week. And the missing sensations, they come along everyday. It’s really beautiful pain. You don’t wish to take it away. Grow up stronger, pick the pieces of broken and realize – at least it happened.

The hard times will get worse, and I just want you to be around. With no strings attached, I’ll give you my heart unconditionally. You don’t need to give me anything. Just your presence.

I miss you, you don’t have to miss me. I just want to feel.

It will get better again.

You light a cigarette, a flame surfaces against the tip, your red lighter, its all chipped. Half empty your killing me. Your eyes are sure, your only tired.  I always understood, that a fire needs to be fueled. You just lose it. You feel lost without it.

The cigarette now, it use to rest on your lips.
Its just ash now, and spent.

I spent some time.
Stop it.

I fall to ground, searching to find the spent ashes. You watch with the taste of tobacco still lingering on your tongue, I feel you inside of me. I know how a fire burns.
The ashes travel from the ground now, they rest in my hands.

Kiss of a cigarette
Im missing
Its missing
the scent of being in use
you stare at me

I’m sure you already know.

I stand silent, holding a cigarette from your pack. I sandwich it between my lips. I take your lighter, you tighten your grip. The lighter is not in my grip. You lose it. You feel lost without it.

An ash kisses the edge of your cigarette,
I touch the tip of your cigarette.
Ash fall to ground,
With my touch,
The cigarette is lost to ground.

You grab another from the pack. Number six. Just speak the words  you use the cigarette to bury. You spent last night with a lighter, and a solid heart just confused. I spent last night loving you.

I do not want to confuse you, cigarette fall down.
I only want you, not the cigarette.

We’re breaking apart.

You smoke the world’s worry, another flame surfaces between the tip. Your red lighter, its all with time you’ll eventually quit. If not, I’l start.  A touch lives. Your strong hands entangle my fingers. I touch the edge of your cigarette. Stop that you said.

I want control but the cigarette is white lined yellow with straight lines. Im color blind in love.

I’l always be standing back, I hold your pack of cigarettes. You, with another cigarette now.

Your burning a fire, too hard to control. When your out of them,
If you want to light a fire, and the sensation of red is between your lips,
Why don’t you stop and hold something else
Light my fire instead.
My heart

Spread the ashes
All over my chest
I promise to start a fire
I’ll make it dark red.

I’ll be your cigarette.

Your a beautiful memory,

so I cried last night.

I think I’m bleeding from the inside out. Its really hurting, from the inside. You have no idea, how much it hurts. How deep it all goes. It dies. I died. I feel dead. I’m colored in red. The color is red, and I hate it. The sensation screams pain, and I dread it.

I want you to know, that each bruise indented a memory of a past mistake. I felt my heart skip beats, and my smiles shallowed. Each blue mark against my skin, my dry eyes, my swollen lips, I want you to have my heart. I remember feeling delicate. I wish life was simple, and the puzzles fit. I want to smile again. I want to find a reason to smile again. Take my heart, I don’t feel the beautiful things anymore.

I’m cold inside. I’m hurting. It’s like there’s a poster sign attached to my body. Step over me. Please abuse, then discard. I’m human and the words you used, the words you spelled, the words you wrote all over my body with permanent ink – it wont ever get erased. I’m losing enough blood, I never wanted more pain.

Why do you give me more, when I never asked.

Can you please understand. I want nothing more than the necessary.  I want to find hopeful answers in a bowl of crunchy cereal. I want you to remember how I looked when I poured you a glass of milk, and my tears rained onto your spoon. You once said, my reflection is beautiful and my heart is rare. I can’t feel the heartbeats anymore. I’m lost and I wanted so much.

But I want to be a little girl now. I want to be innocent to the ways of this world.

On the kitchen floor, kneeling over the spilled milk, and the I have only one word to tell you It will all go away one day.

Be patient.

An old man’s sleeping on that brown bench over there,
And the black coffee in my hand is growing cold.

I hate the smell of coffee.
I hate this heat.

I haven’t been quite the same anymore.
I haven’t been who I was anymore.
Does it matter anymore?

I’m going to go for a walk.
I’m going to go for a long walk.

I remain on the sidewalk,
Breathless and searching.

I stared at you,
I blinked.

My eyes felt foggy
And the rain
It started to pour on us.
Again.

You drank your coffee.
And I watched you in silence.

You can paint me.
You can chalk the words onto my skin.
You can talk.
You can forget.
You can wait.
You can do what you want.

But I’m hurting insde.
I’m as cold as the coffee.

You can close my eyes,
I will lie very still.

I keep seeing you in the nights,
I keep seeing you and I get very cold,
I see you when everything grows silent

I see you.
And then I lie very still.

This hurts too much.
I want to sit beside the old man on that bench,
I want his story to pain my hardship,
Its always falls apart
When you find security,

I don’t know how this goes
I don’t know if the hurt can go
I just know that the coffee is old

I want to close my eyes
And lie very still

I want to go

Please break the silence,
I want to smile again.

From this reflection of glass I watched your cheeks turn plum red. I could realize that our eyes didn’t blink but once. So I watched as the smiles danced around your eyes. And my heart told you; it’s only a little time before our hearts completely stop.

Stop. Look away. This is pure torment. Your sensual I’m passionate. You start to desire, and I start to visualize how I’m going to set you ablaze. This is guilt. It’s painful guilt. I want your lips. I want them to travel everywhere. I want a meltdown. I want this fire to start, to burn strong, to burn dark. The temperature rises to hot. Lets stop. Stop watching each other before we get burned.

I watch you closely;

I’ve realized that I’m missing you more.

Even though,

I’m seeing you a lot more.

***

i wish good would last .. i wish the sun sets and the moon rises. i wish wishes stayed true and hearts never broke .. i wish good things never end .. i wish black could color every color .. i wish i was grey .. i would last that way .. the world will always keep spinning as your coming and im going .. i dont know where i’m going with this .. only that some wishes come true .. and some wishes never do ..

You have it all put together.
Your lips are red,
Your eyes are black,
And your heart is snow white.

You touch a color,
It only burns
It doesn’t hurt –
The hurting never shows.

It doesn’t mean a thing –
If you have it put together,
You break …

Untangle the string,
Touch the threads,
My lips are red.
My eyes are black.

I use to have a heart –
It was snow white.

I’m blind to seeing colors,
Blackened glances,
Broken glass

A taste of a lime
It’s always bitter when it’s young.

Eyes so tired
Lips so dry
Hearts die

Charcoal on my fingers
Charcoal on your lips
Charcoal stinging my fingertips

A stained heart
Never gives.

You have it all put together
You have it all
I put you together

But you unashamedly say,
Its not together
If I keep falling apart everyday.

you let go
and that’s life.
one day you’ll realize
its much more beautiful,
when everything isn’t
falling into place.
when you let go,
you begin to feel
you can escape

if you let go
your living
for me
and
its
really so
beautiful

when it all isn’t in place
and when you don’t know
what’s left what’s right
all you should know
is knowing at times
is irrelevant

just let go
live life

I am not as before,
Everything in me has changed.
I am not the person you know,
The times have changed who I am,
I really was a person
Now I am a past.

Kil shy feni te’7a’wal
Im not the person you know
Il ze’man gha’yer o 7a’wal
And you no longer mind.

You are no longer on mind,
After you,
Its all more than enough.

Do not come asking,
Do not come wondering.
I have had enough of it all.
Seal your lips

Do not ask and wonder…

I am not anymore.
I am not a person you know,
I am not a person
I am a past,

When you go away

i will have no one.

What comes in a lifetime,
Only comes just once.
If the comings begin to hurt,
Then I promise,
To heal your restless heart.

A thousand condolences,
to the part you buried.
It still, is  hurting.

And, those thousand letters,
of intimate words,
that formed an echoing silence,
they were useless.

I gave you,
I gave
all of my hurt,
to you,
but it continues to hurt.

It is all in a lifetime,
And, it all,
just comes around,
just once.