My alternate plan.

…..

till then, goodbye.

honestly, thats all i can say what more can i explain.

end. finish. 5alas.

i love writing, i love english but i cant make words and project the last moments.

ending….rolling credits

This was our raw destruction , as our hearts refined. Yours skipped the soulful rhythmic beats, mine was normal – beating soundly. You leaned against me in anguish, as I lay there desperate, begging you ‘release me’. End it, end this. But you resumed confining and abusing my skin. You lashed, grazed and stained my now pale flesh. You claimed I evoked and yielded for this fate.

I slapped you, you say it was a caress to your cheek. I struggle now, you strangle (uneasy lust unleashing desire) me. Your make-believe love, a fragment I choose to halt. Now you stand back, eyes in blaze as your fingers assessed facts – I’m more bitter, you’re deprived and once again I left you unsatisfied.

Distraught, you end. A shame, I ended long before our hearts collided…

this is fiction, but for you, yes you, this is ‘your’ life story.

I will let all the lyrics of others speak my words. Do not enjoy.

” Well I looked my demons in the eye , Laid bare my chest said do your best destory me. See I’ve been to hell and back so many times, I must admit you kinda bore me. If you’d just be kind to me, Now I’d walk one mile on just broken glass To fall down at your feet. “

🙄

I’m holding on your rope,
Got me ten feet off the ground
I’m hearin what you say but I just can’t make a sound
You tell me that you need me
Then you go and cut me down, but wait
You tell me that you’re sorry
Didn’t think I’d turn around, and say…

-One Republic ~ apologize

 

Today is the day everything is settled. It’s the day I can no longer gaze and find the scenery breathtaking and/or logically appleasing. It’s a damn shame but I guess there is some gain. Whatever is to come, I must becareful cause if all ends well lives will be in my hands. I’m not assured that I can take it if god forbids something happens in the clutches of my hand. There’s no rewind, playback or pause navigation I can acquire – to save me.

Life tries to steer you this way while you try your earnest to clutch the brakes – it’s useless. Dont fight the knowledge and gearing of physics. Enough with my bullshit, I will just end my post on this side of the cliff. I’m going to experience my first driving lesson. The plus side is there’s to be two steering wheels and sets of everything and what not, so if something does go wrong he’ll save me. aye?

let the picture speak my thousand words…

48 hours until I am free- when spring break officially sedates me. I feel as if any moment, I will collapse. Frail, weak and barely rested, I am forced to endure the next 2 days with the least amount of tranquility.

Before Spring Break this is due: I have to do a physics lab – finish my sketchbook – put last touches on my oil painting (pray it dries and the rain will not sabatoge my efforts) – english essay – oh and try to get in at least 5 hours of sleep in those 48 that I have to live through.

Anyone willing to switch lives, or best of all, let me borrow your spare hours. I am swamped. All I am waiting for is that moment I finally erupt.

I can’t utter a word let alone whisper a phrase.

My voice, when I try to speak my throat burns.

I am hating this discomfort but take in the pain surpisingly well but how long can I last?

Might as well add that my running nose is begining its marathon so damn it all, a headache and elevating my sickness is waiting. Why, just why when this entire week is all tests.

Argh.

I have a pathetic fear and it’s come true or so it seems. In the literal and physical aspect of it, I’m losing sight. I see a blur, I see the haze and most of all your face is disfigured. That oddly pleases me. But I long not to wear a mask and hide behind it receding to my fate. Damn, ooops, **** and ****. Life goes on and I think you have. So my vision’s no longer of importance and….nothing less.

PS. Being blind considers me weak and so I understand now why you stand behind the mark and watch from the sidelines as I dally with fate, I owe  you a thanks and I thank God I need no longer to look at your despicable face.

I’m well – moderately well. I’ll be better if your words stopped echoing on my flesh. I’ll be better if my stomach stopped tingling of pain because those shards of glass you spread on my skin are embedding. It’s working but you promised the feeling rages for an hour then calms, that’s when I’ll be well again. **** your promise! My flesh is pale and you resume rubbing your palm against my hand. I chew on my lips biting back the pain. But crimson red leaks amidst this torture you promised would do me well. You promised it wouldn’t hurt for long? Didn’t you promise I’d be cured? It was another one of your lies. I should have never trusted a liar like you. Serves me well.

I’m numb now, and your promise was unkept…

I’m well again.

Her hand quakes as the beating in her heart elevates. A mass of unshed tears began to mist her eyes. A growing sensation wonders and the mask she once wore crumbles.

It’s over. You’ re a mistake. A figment my muse – a misspelled irrevocable curse. So shed your skin, lather and lash at your breathe as you give into sin. Sit on the cold taunting ground, feel vulnerable. Your heart is split in two and the windows to your soul are fogged. Yet with all you’re in, I feel not a thing. Again, nothing at all. An empty and void feeling – stale as you broke apart.

Her heart stings Her lips dry. Her voice is mute and her breathing stops. His words dagger into her heart. She lies motionless on the ground.

She died before him, but he just walked away.

The scene ends all but lacking hate.

 

I’m eighteen today. It’s my birthday!

It feels like any other kind of day.

Nose is cold, Throat is throbbing and Voice is muting….(i,m dead tired even after yesterday’s sleep from 5pm to 9am today)

I guess I’ll just wait and see how the day turns out to be….

           Love,

                A Battlefield Eighteen AWAITING your something.

Notice: Whispers or Pure is a toodler ironically it has just turned one. The irony I will let sleep and be vague to you. I have never truly understood the depth or meaning or fascination of a blog turning an age – insignificant. This place I’ve created relieves the stress of my soon ending highschool days. It energizes my sense and lets me inhale creativity and exhale serenity. It’s a blessing and it births a new idea and happy context daily.

Anyways, I think I miss blogger a bit, we did have our romance on and off again break(ing). I hope I soon am able to get use to this wordpress.

4 MORE DAYs till I’m officially Eighteen, I rather enjoy seventeen – it must be my mere fascination with the odd.  😉

February, a mere unrequitted month of quite a many happenings, whats coming up for me is the following:

Feb 4 : my blogger turns this many ( aye, oh darn just a year old, shouldnt that be encouraging huh, I ‘ve stayed on board for a full year give or take a few days where I wanted out but I stayed…shame, regret, mistake, past is a pardon, future spoken..i will continue blogging and perhaps get me own better fulfuling relationship without blogger, rather with my own domain and a little help from me angelic sisters (the techie marvel n the photoshop darling)

Feb 5: my youngster baby sister i will always call baby turns the big five, yes five years old, all the years for her inshallah…she loves birthdays each and every one though she wasnt born on those days she wants someone to sing happy to you sometimes everyday. 😉 + its a day i might if the probabilty of an algebraic equation equates to my terms, I might fall into a ditch ( a pun, my play of words so it seems vague to you 😉

Feb 8: I am legal to live, I turn eighteen finally, although I much wish to stay seventeen because I am a fan of odd numbers that communicate well without evoking buried souviners of well, somethings that dont wish to be recollected from time to time. Anyways, I need to get a drivers permit, learn to drive, though I master the art of driving from when I was a wee bit old, cuz I’ve witnessed sisters and there driving experience, I know how to navigate my way with a vehicle and that nonsense. Being Eighteen means one thing, the mile I am walking towards the reach goal, is finally nearing to the end, and graduation will be soon. I can’t wait to wrap up with highschool and keep walking forward, not glancing or turning back. Long post, ugly looking blog site, I hope it eventually undergoes some glamour quite soon if everything unfolds to my perspective.

I forgot to mention, this….

There all is out in the open, what’s significant?

Below was me in a state of oblivous emotion carelessly thinking ……and the date to be exact was Jan 4., without question all that is below has changed a day after I wrote this and when was the certifed verification well i realized it no the next day or the next week but today, January 22…damn how cruel life can get. but i will just torch that fire thats blazing on my skin and look towards the path….with a wounded heart thats still beating forcefully. life doesnt end with this. it should and i will not let it do so.

Here was what i wrote: 01/04/2007

I am inhaling a substance of ectasy it’s un-natural, quite delusional to this mind but dont focus here, just understand I am in mere unsubtile, untranslated bliss. A language can not certify the speed my heart is beating. Words scripted on a letter have brought waves of smiles to my lips. Yes, mistaken, I am adjourning a path that is leading forward. Yet come what may, even detection of what is thought, I will and shall not forget this feeling. This emotion well built, that withstands tears and burns that may attach to this body. Come what may, I am truly in love…God bless this ’07. I hope this is no bad omen or just fate wanting to dally with me and teasing me ferciously.

Best be it now, I am rising in your winter sky… yes this Battle Field is and forever will be her own….hmph I’m lost without words now, then let me be off to sleep…I will keep this a secret to my eyes…and it is vague to you viewer, I call now mistaken 😉

Ps: I’ll draft you to save and not post to publish 😉

ANYWAYS, life goes on….one more exam to go and im free and the mattress and the covers will comfort and lavish me through times….all i need are two straight days of only sleep. no interaction or anything. i can live that way you know.