A black lighter torches my wrist. Call it happiness, on the edge of forbidden bliss. The heat inside my lungs is melting my heart. Fire time, and I’m melting down. Ash kiss the ground. Cigarette close to your lips now. Smoke it now. Now. We only live in now.

A clear ashtray holds my mystery and I feel alone. Your mischievous eyes are glistening. A tear falls down. Follow it. A salt residue for you to lick. Taste the effect. Touch my struggle and plant a tobacco kiss onto my lungs. Travel and find my heart deep, deep into my lock down.

I’m locked down.

Four walls surround me. Darkness inside of me. A lighter is all you really need. A cigarette is all I speak. The smell of togetherness is lingering. Dark black eyes. Scratch. Itch. Pitch black heart. Your lighter is out of gasoline now.

Look at the red line of silence on your neck now. I form things. Listen to the beating in my heart beat too quick. Passionate pain, I died in silence and I lived.

In a dream now. Resting my forehead on your warm chest. Put out your cigarette bud onto my skin. I ask you please. I really don’t feel a thing. I just feel black. And your silent, and I have a secret to keep now. I’m addicted you know. I wish I could recycle your lungs as you hold me. Instead, I will paint this scene.

Yesterday, I recycled your lungs.

And it was beautiful touching your heart.

Lost in the midst of movement – dark brown eyes tire relentlessly in search of a past. To touch and taste it. Remember what it felt like. Remember you can feel.

Wake.

Awake.

Awakening a clump of love, sandwiched in the chest and yet the body is still seizing.

In that gown you were delicate. You were blue, it was delicate. Sensitive red. The most sensual black eyes so giving.

The year of last was the aftermath of a year old earthquake. Remember the feeling of loss, of white heat radiating across every inch of my body. You were difficult and I was careless.  I let you in the heart carefully. But then I sunk deep into calm moments and we were in movement, but it ended in chaos of a heart.

Shivering.

Alone.

Fingers tracing.

Lips searching for sufficient blood.

Failing.

End stage and very frail.

Change is always a good thing and it happens consistently. In the moment it may be cold, and cruel to our needs. But as a chapter new begins and distance builds a different fortress to hide in, eventually we realize the lesson nestled in that change. May it be a rose losing its beauty or a heart that stops beating.

Shaking intimate feelings and breaking the silence. 2010. Single tears use to visit these eyes but in the absence of a year and love, these eyes wanted hard to cry but the hurt has started to rest in a grave of love.

Sweet, gentle, and delicate love.

A hard black mass is resting.

A hard black mass is resting on the top of that man’s chest.

Yesterday, his story touched my life. The love of his life had died in his arms. And I watched this man tell his story. Relive a past in 29 minutes and at its end, all I could think  about was, will the throbbing in my heart and the tightness in my stomach and your beautiful scent make this life more beautiful or difficult to live in if you passed away.

In dedication to that loving memory, of

Insufficient Blood.

you touched my life and i will never forget…

what true love can feel like.

I never do this ,, and I never will again ,,

Its a once in a lifetime thing ,,

A sound of relevance.

Confused by everything.

Stop breathing and pushing against my heart. I want you to push back my words. Let me choke. I should know better, but a piece of me broke. I broke again. I said never again.

An itched out figure, with two black eyes. This is not good, the past died. Two caring hands, that stole my heart. Used it for storage, and then hardly turned back to say goodbye. I just heard the car ignition click, and your gas pedal sink. I wanted you to turn the lights out. I wanted to cover myself up in a classic sheet of uneasy feelings, the windows outside are breaking. The wind is whispering against the glass, and the rain is falling hard. I tried to hold them back, but they started falling. Its raining my storm.

You are driving by an ocean, and my eyes are drowning.

Work your windshield wipers, I covered your shield with memories.

Deep brown eyes, my heart always lied about the honest truth. It is not that I love you again, I just care and it does not die. I tried real hard. Blame my open heart, and the speed bumps that edge against my chest. The chapter you read to me last night, I closed your book quick. I lost that page you bookmarked, you should never be able to find the same sentence that you started reading.

You let me go.

I am sorry.

You said I should go.

I wish I had a hole in my heart, instead I think you have it in the mirror of your car. The objects in the mirror really are closer then they appear.

Min meta
Min meta tadri 3an’ah
Min meta galbik da’rah
Min meta
Min meta ya malek el da’mar

Yali kelma mink ten’zil el dam’3ah

Tej’ra7 bus’taan 7ol’lah wu’rood
Enta tadri
Ena el worud
Ma 3a’dat’t worud

Yali galbik sawaad layel wenta mas3ood
Tadri men youma7h magdar atkalem
Magdar agool

En kan fe balek azra3 wardah min jeded
Asfah
Asfah tara thaak el taraab eli kan
Ma 3ad yekoon

Bs 3ndi lik a5er kalam
Yallah ya galb
Nesre
Tara ma 3ad fe thaak el mekan

Ma7boob

Reja3t ya ghalee .. Reja3t o tadri
Reja3t tabeeni .. La ya 7abebi
Ro7 .. ebte3ed leb3eed

La tethen eni barja3lik .. athmik wa beek
wa gelik  .. eni amoot feek

Wesh feeha el fargah .. Wesh raje3ak
a5ehran 7asat feeni ..
a5ehran galbik yabeeni ..

La ya 7abebi
El farga fargah ..
El dam3ah dam3ah
3yonik kanat 3yoni ..
Galbak kan ye7wani..

bs ya ghalee ..
kil shy wera7 ..
lama ghebt enta 3ani

lama be3’tni..

ro7 allah ma3ak …
ro7..  ebt3ed  .. ensa

legat enta gharee ..
balgah ana gharik ..
walkan ma wedi begharik ..
ma wedi ..

wedi akser galbi

Abeek  tensa
Ee na3am abeek tensa
Ro7i te7ebk
Kanat te7ebk
O lil asaf tabek

Ya Ro7 el Ro7

Ment daree 3an eljroo7
lo tadri
lo dareet
denyatik tisba7 be5her

Ro7i
Ro7i lil abd
Ro7i ma tadri wesh el 5her laha
Ro7i ya 7abebi lel7een taraytheek

Abeek
Abeek te7es
Abeek tadri

ma adri
ma adri laish
ma adri laish ro7i tabeek
Ya ro7i  bil lah laish amot fee

ebt3ed leb3eed
terja3 le ma abeek
ma agdar abeek
ment le o ana mo lik

el galb enkasr
kebart ana 3an el 7ub

Ro7

Rooo7 ya 5ahwan

Ro7i ra7at ma3ak

Alf mrrh gelt’t’ley ebte3ed 3ani
Alf mrrh gelt’t’elek el’tahab galbi

Alf mrrh je’tek oo galbi me7’taj el 7aneen
Alf mrrh oo dam’3eti tenzil 3ala 5hade a’beek

A’beek te7es feeni
A’beek tet’thakar ma’thee
A’beek te7es 3an galbi
Abeek tadri

Tara ghe’reb el fargah
O adri enta
Enta tem’shi be’3ed

Mebte3ed 3ani

Meb’teli
Meb’teli galbi
Yen’zif mena j’roo7
Damey mithl damek

7ubi kan ak’thar min 7ubik
7ubi lik madri kayef awusef gus’2atni

Ma’gdar eni ma a7ebik

bs enta7a
ebta3adt

Alf mrrh

Ay kelma mink ma tef’rag
Mad’foun fil galb
Jare7i akbar min jar’7ek

Taraak de’fanet galbi fel taa’rab
O madri lo tadrii
Ely mad’foun bil tarab
Me7’taj se’neen me7’taj

wesh feek yale 7abetk fel 3omr
wesh feeni ya shams mebta3ed 3ani el gumar
amshi ..

went be3ed 3anha

o lama sheft el gumar tabkii

mu’thaa

el denya murrh
o galbik 5alee

5ala9 ma feek
5ala9 ma wedik as’ken galbik
5ala9 mebta3ed ba3eed
Alf mrrh geltelek tara denyeti ent kent shamsha
oo al’2an asba7t thel’maha

temshi darbik wallah tadri feni
eli kan fe galbik  .. madri wainey

denyetik ya galbi

ma 3edt tabeeni
galbi endafan

oo me7taaj seneen yeshfa men kelmat 7abeebi

A part of me I lost completely.
A part of me I lost within you.
A part of me I found spoiled.
A part of me I do not want to be without you.

I do not understand the meaning of forever,
And I do not know the meaning of old.
I always want to ask you, why were you never blue enough?
Why, when I want to hold you ..
Why, when I want to hold on tight ..
You let go briskly ..
When I find myself,
Complete in your arms.

I can not stop wanting,
To let go within you
To let life become you
To let myself love you.

You burn my fire, as you touch my tan skin
You stare into my dark eyes, as you plant deep kisses into my surface,
The sensations draw a wave,
From a cold ocean,
The waves are all we have
And I drown this time.

Complete and lost
Complete and gone.

I want to understand, why the skies with you,
At night time, are never cold enough,
Your hands are sage and dark,
And your eyes are completely lost.

I want to hold you,
I want to hold on,
To you,
To a frame of a picture,
When the picture is completely torn.
I want to tear myself apart,
Within you,
Lost
And your eyes always realize
That my eyes are never cold,
Their loving, and willing, and passion filled.

I love with my heart.

The tears that will fall,
Traveled a distance from the desert,
To touch the petals of a dry rose,
Kiss the lips of a homeless beggar,
Graze the hands of an innocent prisoner.

My tears are yours forever.
I will miss you when you go,

I will miss you when i go.
My heart will keep ..
Keep loving ..
Keep touching ..
Keep missing ..
A heart that was always white.

I will treasure ..
The moments ..
The hours ..
The minutes ..
As ever,
As long

If they last.

I want & I love.

Would you keep me in your heart?
From the distance?

Would you come,

I always did love you, from the start.

I’m certain I know how this will all end … its in a dream – let’s start from the end.

You picture this … your on a set of swings, your pushing against the wind. The wind pushes you back. You move your body against a force. You push yourself. The wind tries to pull  you back. You hang on tight – your flying along with the wind. You feel so different. And yet, it doesn’t feel so different.

I’m certain I know how this will all end … its in a dream – let’s call it indifference.

If you swing yourself on this rusty old swing – the metal bars will break. I wish I could tell you – that before you sat here, and decided to push against yourself, to try and fly .. that it will all come to an end. The swinging will come to a halt. The smile you painted across your face – that will soon chip off. The paint doesn’t last. The wind doesn’t always help. You picture this, I am on the swing. You push me, and I’m soaring towards the sky. My smile is transparent, and my heart is made of metal. It’s all so rusty – I don’t want to break.

A swing set .. this was so innocent.

This dream you had,  I told you .. I always told you .. keep your dreams to yourself.

I wish I felt the wind brush my eyes, and kiss my lips.

I wish, that good dreams never end.

But …

Lets start, and talk it out. Lets talk.
You start. I’ll remain silent.
Go ahead …

Breathe in …
Breathe out …

The least … you can do … is
open your heart …
Ask about me .. that is the least.
What’s between us .. is more than asking.
Its more than imagining .. its more than living.
Its more  .. you should be asking.

Every heart -  needs a moment – of stopping
Skipping – our hearts beating – Stopping.

Breathing lost …
Breathing again …
Breathing out …

The least … you can do
I’ll tell you … is that … you … should …
Find out if I’m dead from living in life.
Why don’t you live in my heart for just a while.
Just a while .. I wont tell.
I’ll keep you warm .. right inside,
I’ll let you into .. my white heart.
I’ll keep you inside.
I’ll keep our secret
For a life time.
For a long while.
For ever … even if I have to lie.

I’ll stay silent.
I’ll be quiet.

Do you know that what’s between us ..
Is bigger than loneliness ..
It’s darker than a black night ..
It’s a stolen heart .. A broken chain
A miserable look .. It’s the truth.
It’s our truth ….

A
true
feeling
inside.

Your heart only goes through it twice.

I’l stop.
I’l go.
I’l do as much as you ask for.

Do you know
That what’s between us
Is just between us
Is just between a word
Is just between a letter
Is just between a period
Is just between more than expecting

It all will hurt ..
And its worth the hurt ..

You and silence ..
You and I staying quiet ..

The story really just is …
That life is just a simple moment from living and aging
Its very simple and it will end so quick
I’l wrinkle your eyes ..
I’l kiss your lips ..
All you have to do ..
Is just live in my heart ..
For a moment..
I’l keep you inside ..
I’l let you watch me die
I’l touch your heart
I’l ask to live
I’l always ask
I’l always be asking

I‘l always start
What’s between us
Is so much more

Im wrinkled at twenty
Im died inside
But I really am living
And its all….
Because of you.

You bring me to life.

Don’t go away so soon.

You have it all put together.
Your lips are red,
Your eyes are black,
And your heart is snow white.

You touch a color,
It only burns
It doesn’t hurt –
The hurting never shows.

It doesn’t mean a thing –
If you have it put together,
You break …

Untangle the string,
Touch the threads,
My lips are red.
My eyes are black.

I use to have a heart –
It was snow white.

I’m blind to seeing colors,
Blackened glances,
Broken glass

A taste of a lime
It’s always bitter when it’s young.

Eyes so tired
Lips so dry
Hearts die

Charcoal on my fingers
Charcoal on your lips
Charcoal stinging my fingertips

A stained heart
Never gives.

You have it all put together
You have it all
I put you together

But you unashamedly say,
Its not together
If I keep falling apart everyday.

tara magdr 3alik

magdr a’gol
magdr ash’kii
madre min wain wed’ik ab’tedi

ma ge’dar ...
ma ge’dar 7al 7eber …
ma ge’dar yo9ef lil warag …
7al sho3or ma’yen wa’sif

fe da’5elaa nar..
tadri

tadri e7’taarag ..

tadri 3anaa ..
tadri wedaa ..

gaal …
weda ye’gool …

a’bd thee den’yah ma te’swa …

ma lik ela galb ..
galb a’5er ma’9era yenjer7
ma lik ela 3eyoon
3eyoon a’5rat’7a tenzif demoo3

ma 3endi shak ..
ma 3endi sha’kawee ..
7al 7e’ber
7al wa’rag
a’bd
ma ra7 tek’fii
lajel awsuef lik .. madaa a7’zani

tadri ma ge’dar
ma ag’dar
bil’ laah

yekfii
men wayen wedik ab’tedii

The feeling called without a feeling. It is a feeling of indifference, your mindlessly numb, all you really want is to close your eyes shut and wish expectantly, you’re search for an ending.

The feeling of without a feeling. It really is indescribable. You wake up, and all you want to do is go back to sleeping. Yes, your still breathing. Yes, your heart is still beating. Yes, you have everything and yet, you still want. You still need from those wants. And whats there to living, in a feeling, of sensitivity and your body is numb.

The feeling of a feeling. A part of your body is in actual pain, and you say this is not your timing. This is just insane. I expected a feeling, and my eyes are forced shut, my body feels heavy, and you tumble me in a cycle of restless sleep.

I want a feeling.

I want.

And its always a feeling.

you let go
and that’s life.
one day you’ll realize
its much more beautiful,
when everything isn’t
falling into place.
when you let go,
you begin to feel
you can escape

if you let go
your living
for me
and
its
really so
beautiful

when it all isn’t in place
and when you don’t know
what’s left what’s right
all you should know
is knowing at times
is irrelevant

just let go
live life