You are not an illusion put aside. I can actually see right through you.
You are not you. And I begin to crumple the paper;
Our crumpled hearts become indented.

They are black,
They are itched and dashed,
The hearts do not last.

You were once held.
You were once loved.

You. I draw the tracings of a ghost.
You. I draw the contours of silence edging the shape of lips,
And I touch the ink to my lips and begin to taste it.
The ink begins to flow as my tongue wets the ink.

This tongue of mine is now colored black
And you say, You said,
A heart is always ebony black.

My hair is black,
My lashes are long.
My heart is dark,
My cheeks are bones.
And the surface to my heart
Is hard, as hard as a rock.

You do not disappear.
You always come back.
You. You appear in a frame of a picture.
You. You continue to stare at a fixture.

As I draw our distance between a dream and fiction.
I have to tell you, I see right through you.
A heart of ebony black,
It is never as dark as ebony black.

Indented in our hearts is glass,
Do not pull it out.
Ebony black is not so bad.

I am not as before,
Everything in me has changed.
I am not the person you know,
The times have changed who I am,
I really was a person
Now I am a past.

Kil shy feni te’7a’wal
Im not the person you know
Il ze’man gha’yer o 7a’wal
And you no longer mind.

You are no longer on mind,
After you,
Its all more than enough.

Do not come asking,
Do not come wondering.
I have had enough of it all.
Seal your lips

Do not ask and wonder…

I am not anymore.
I am not a person you know,
I am not a person
I am a past,

When you go away

i will have no one.

madri w’esh agool..
madri la’ish kil’ma be’dait a’gtreb mink teb’te3ed 3ani o t’roo7..
madri la’ish kil’ma me’ni tej’ra7ik..
a’bd yoom ma kan 7el’mi eni a’jra7ik..
madri.. madri wa la’kin a’dri ena a’bd galbi ma ne’beth yo’m le ye’jra7k

madri

madri bs a7’taj .. madri bs wed’ii
madri bs adri .. madri bs a’gool
madri bs a7’taj a’gool
madri o la’kin ba’gool
re’thak enta ghali o a’dri

re’thak o  tad’ri
re’thak o wed’ii
re’thak o ad’ri
re’thak o madri

tad’ry

la .. la madry o la tadry

la bs ba’gool

a7ebik mot.

Ta’dry kay’ef el she’3oor
Kelma ta’wdii
Oo kelma a’roo7

La tegool
Elii fe 3yonik ma yen’gal
Eli fe ga’lbik ma7o ja’wab

Ta’raho mat…
Kil shay yemoot

Goli…
Ent mn tekoon

Ta’dry…
La wallah
Ta’dry…

La…5ala9
Ma’ra7 agool

* * *

This year of eight was tiring. It tested faiths, it separated a pair of white doves, and it colored a pale sad face. Could you define remarkable without griming the evidence of humility? Could you touch broken, and then lay a hand on a statue so lifeless and unmoving?

A broken window you gifted me,
The glass you broke, you made me feel.
I lived in the moment, I burned my hands.
I felt resonating sensations,
And the tears
They fell.

You own a heart.
And I squared myself.
I gave you a circle
And you hurt yourself.

I too noticed
I too felt
I too understand
I too can melt.

This was saturation on living, and the colors were perfectly mixed. I placed the paints to your lips – and trailed my falling tears wetting your sleeve. In a moment you wash away, in a moment the delicate edges contouring your face give. Here is where I stood last night, and here is where your face compels my sanity at night.

A blanket and a candle I held. A year is all I have and you left. Now I’m cuffed around my wrists, and you hold the keys. I speak and I feel, and I hold on to hurt. But letting go takes more of time and past guilt. I really am just me. I’m not titled wonderful and my veins don’t bleed in bliss. I’m clothed in fabrics in this cold, but when I walk past you I’m naked and warm.

If you really appreciate a year, and the hurt it gives, I hope you appreciate who I am. I don’t take back anything this year gave. Even if it was a bad year, even if I have a scratch or two, even if my bones are tired, and my feet are giving up on me. My heart is not made of steel, and I can easily break. A year and everything has changed.

I think in all my grey
Happiness kissed me,
But before it did,
It told me you make happiness what you make it seem.

I’m so happy and the world tonight smiles again,
The stars are dancing around the moonlight.
And as the moon stays for awhile,
Tomorrow the sun will shine.

I think the ropes you tied my hands in are making them bleed. I think the pressure and intensity isn’t helping. I think the knots you keep tying are cutting my blood circulation. I think I’m acutely confused. And, I think your words aren’t helping. I need you to stop thinking. You don’t hold onto words – I do.

Im pretty and you title me blue.
I can’t hear a single thing – anything was what I needed to hear.
Nothing…

Again we begin,

I think the band aide you placed on my skin is ripping. I think I’m still hurting. Don’t touch me. I think I’m trying to heal a wound, and I’m healing. I cant help myself. I’m not myself anymore. I think I’m in need of something more. I think we need to start thinking. And, I think it never gets old.
I cant feel a single thing – anything was what I needed to feel.

Listen.
I think the blindfolds you placed on my eyes are see through. I think my eyes see through you. I think I need to stop blinking. And, I think I cant see anymore. I’m in the dark, and I keep thinking. I think if your words were helping, I think I would stop thinking.
Lets start.
Again.
Here you go.
I hear nothing.
I’m not blue anymore.

I’m only smiling.

لا تعذر وصلك وشوفك تعذر 
حتى طبعك صار يا خلي عجيب
قلبك الي كان يهواني تكبر 
ما بقى مني ومن همي قريب 
حتى دمعك في وسط عينك تحجر 
ما يبكيك الوله لو هو صعيب 

في فؤادك حبي العذري تغير 
يا حسافه صرت بعيونك غريب 
روح انا راضي بحظي والمقدر 
كل واحد في حياته له نصيب 

عزتي ترفض على الظلم اتصبر 
من يبيع الحب ما يصلح حبيب  
لا تعذر وصلك وشوفك تعذر 
حتى طبعك صار يا خلي عجيب

I am tired of overusing the words.
&I am really tired of trying to let you into this heart.

I am tired of listening to the silence kill our anonymous feelings,
& you seem to just willingly want to never budge.
I….give up this so-called lust coated love.

You forget me.
& my insides are all confused.
My heart tells me to let you go,
but I never follow what it suggests.

I never listened,
I longed to voyage back to hurting.
I love your hurt.

I find you a necessary
& I give up.
I surrender.
I need for this to stop.

come to an end.

we did not start.

I have caused too much damage on myself,
to continue floating in the dark waters of unwanted.

Laish tejra7 o tensani?
Laish tegool ma te7ib
……Inta lik 7ob thani?
5ala9 ma tabeeni?
………..7abebi enta shftelik 7ob thani?
yemot il 7ob.

kil 7ob o yemoot.

P.S

i do not bite, i’d love to have some comments.

Before I climb this mountain, and before I promise you my happiness… I will paint you my glittering smile, and wipe your falling tears. Before it all even more, before I promise you a journey of beautiful dreams, I will take it to my heart to call me ‘yours’. I will end clouding your thoughts; I will let my eyes explain these feelings. I will call myself ‘love(d)’.

Before I confuse you and before I dance around your fears, I want you to know that this last summer I watched the sun rise. I watched the lonely hours turn into long days. I came to figure out that no one really cares and I should not allow myself matter to them.

People will come as I go, some will heart my smiles and circle my waist, some may actually care. But I realized that some will paint you lies and except from you honest truths. But here I am, telling you (my favorite stranger) I am older and the dark circles have made me wise. You make those people matter, and you are the only one required to change when they derive you out of the equation.

Indifference does not wound, it is going along the lines of lies that kill and caress my sweet revenge. My life story is in these very lines of a hard year, a treacherous summer and a lost sense of found freedom. I am writing my memories, and I am clouding your eyes with these few paragraphs but, I just redefined myself and I am re-appreciating the good things in life. And maybe, just maybe, I have had the power of coloring your heart with a little shade of wonderful.

Ofcourse I love you.

But I will always be me, and I will change the meaning of ‘you’.

You want to know my secret.
At night, I forget the world.
I feel at ease when I forget more (like you).
You have never bothered to ask what was sacred.
What is in my world?
My world is now kept a secret.
I am closing my door (behind your departure),
And I prefer the lights off.
I will sleep in the dark again,
And the world is still dead quiet.
Will you miss my secrets, if I am unconscious for awhile?
I want good dreams,
And I want you to stop being in them.

Good night.

You entertained me with lies. And that is a distinct reason, to why I have failed. As it was, I failed to save you. What could I have done? You refused a million and added to one. You refused to confide. You are actually bitter than life. As you ended, you stated false truths. You verified the reasons to why I lied to you. You said, life was life. Love me more. I love you less. But I always loved you. And in the end, that was one to a million reasons we were forced to end.

I imagined a fairytale with an abrupt end. An end, to our lie. I imagined less of seeing you. I did not think it would last this long. It lasted a minute from an hour of our day. I realized these feelings; they almost always eventually die, as we will someday. They fade as we grow up and apart. We realized yesterday that life is actually just life. But, you have changed. So whose to say this life you speak of will always remain a life.

As you become this someone else. As you mold the broken pieces, as you weld the clay to me, I rest to remain the very same. No change awakens my emotions, nothing at all. I will let you know I am growing more beautiful from the inside. It was you who uglied my appearance. It was you who disdained my worth? Who acknowledged nothing of who I was, who I am, of why you very well fell in love with me, if ever you did fall?

But as the hours draw our silence, and as I stared into your eyes, you again say, but that is life. Well life is worth living away from you. Far away, and miles will keep us far apart. This is life. Just life. As it happened, and as you did, I too will move on. I hope you do the very same, but my hope has already been granted as you have done so only a year and ten days ago. Do you know, I will always love you for what you have done. This experience of a journey awakening our moments of lies. Do you also know I no longer expect honest truths, because those lies of yours will always rest to remain so beautiful.

And that is life for you.

I will only tell you four words
It makes no difference.
It apparently never has…

See a mile,
A sea is in the distance.
I will be seeing you.
Different.

Contradiction.
Contradict.
It is all different.

I will plaster my smiles.
Please call them fake.
Whisper words.
Mere lies you should take.

It was all supposed to be
Quite different.
I really do appreciate the distance.

See the ocean,
It understands
My bed of roses never died.
Its you that is dead.

It makes the difference.

Understanding reality
in the light of grey skies,
on a stormy April night.

I no longer heart you.

Sadly, I no longer heart anyone.

I give up.
My heart hurts too much.
I can no longer make any more excuses.
I am heartbroken.

My words are imprisoned.
They are just empty words.
I wanted to tell you.
.
But you love some other,
And that tears me apart.
Into delicate pieces.
My intricate chaos.

Life is going on.
And I’m still dead inside.

I will let the silence
Kill these feelings,
I will let you be.
See you in a world of beautiful worries.
See you within the memories.

Nobody has changed. Not you or me.
Sad, don’t you think?
It seems as if time is frozen,
and still you don’t possess the ability to pity me.

Your eyes tell stories.
Stories of lies untold.
Quiet honest, you never were.
No matter how I phrased your words,
it was never so.

Even as you painted the picture bright.
Your lies drew the blinds to dark.
And here I stand before you, I kindly refuse, to take this, and to take more.

This is no beautiful feeling. I want an end.
I would like an ending.
And yet, I have no illustration that we had a start.
Quite frankly, we never did.

We just spoke with finite words, that had no meaning.
There is no glossary, no dictionary for my words.
I’m left without any.
I only have a broken heart.

You don’t know,
I doubt I knew.
I don’t care,
I doubt you do.
I doubted you.
A blessing it was,
Without caring,
Without pledging,
Without words,
Without a heart.
And so it was,
Quite believable,
Your lies.
My lovely,
Delectable,
Unusual.

Your beautiful.

Love your Distance.
End my doubts.
I prefer not caring,
You stole my heart.
A lie of beautiful,
I don’t know.
I gave up on you.
I care

No more.

I give no damn.

Over.