A black lighter torches my wrist. Call it happiness, on the edge of forbidden bliss. The heat inside my lungs is melting my heart. Fire time, and I’m melting down. Ash kiss the ground. Cigarette close to your lips now. Smoke it now. Now. We only live in now.

A clear ashtray holds my mystery and I feel alone. Your mischievous eyes are glistening. A tear falls down. Follow it. A salt residue for you to lick. Taste the effect. Touch my struggle and plant a tobacco kiss onto my lungs. Travel and find my heart deep, deep into my lock down.

I’m locked down.

Four walls surround me. Darkness inside of me. A lighter is all you really need. A cigarette is all I speak. The smell of togetherness is lingering. Dark black eyes. Scratch. Itch. Pitch black heart. Your lighter is out of gasoline now.

Look at the red line of silence on your neck now. I form things. Listen to the beating in my heart beat too quick. Passionate pain, I died in silence and I lived.

In a dream now. Resting my forehead on your warm chest. Put out your cigarette bud onto my skin. I ask you please. I really don’t feel a thing. I just feel black. And your silent, and I have a secret to keep now. I’m addicted you know. I wish I could recycle your lungs as you hold me. Instead, I will paint this scene.

Yesterday, I recycled your lungs.

And it was beautiful touching your heart.

I never do this ,, and I never will again ,,

Its a once in a lifetime thing ,,

A sound of relevance.

Confused by everything.

A part of me I lost completely.
A part of me I lost within you.
A part of me I found spoiled.
A part of me I do not want to be without you.

I do not understand the meaning of forever,
And I do not know the meaning of old.
I always want to ask you, why were you never blue enough?
Why, when I want to hold you ..
Why, when I want to hold on tight ..
You let go briskly ..
When I find myself,
Complete in your arms.

I can not stop wanting,
To let go within you
To let life become you
To let myself love you.

You burn my fire, as you touch my tan skin
You stare into my dark eyes, as you plant deep kisses into my surface,
The sensations draw a wave,
From a cold ocean,
The waves are all we have
And I drown this time.

Complete and lost
Complete and gone.

I want to understand, why the skies with you,
At night time, are never cold enough,
Your hands are sage and dark,
And your eyes are completely lost.

I want to hold you,
I want to hold on,
To you,
To a frame of a picture,
When the picture is completely torn.
I want to tear myself apart,
Within you,
Lost
And your eyes always realize
That my eyes are never cold,
Their loving, and willing, and passion filled.

I love with my heart.

The tears that will fall,
Traveled a distance from the desert,
To touch the petals of a dry rose,
Kiss the lips of a homeless beggar,
Graze the hands of an innocent prisoner.

My tears are yours forever.
I will miss you when you go,

I will miss you when i go.
My heart will keep ..
Keep loving ..
Keep touching ..
Keep missing ..
A heart that was always white.

I will treasure ..
The moments ..
The hours ..
The minutes ..
As ever,
As long

If they last.

I want & I love.

Would you keep me in your heart?
From the distance?

Would you come,

I always did love you, from the start.

I’m certain I know how this will all end … its in a dream – let’s start from the end.

You picture this … your on a set of swings, your pushing against the wind. The wind pushes you back. You move your body against a force. You push yourself. The wind tries to pull  you back. You hang on tight – your flying along with the wind. You feel so different. And yet, it doesn’t feel so different.

I’m certain I know how this will all end … its in a dream – let’s call it indifference.

If you swing yourself on this rusty old swing – the metal bars will break. I wish I could tell you – that before you sat here, and decided to push against yourself, to try and fly .. that it will all come to an end. The swinging will come to a halt. The smile you painted across your face – that will soon chip off. The paint doesn’t last. The wind doesn’t always help. You picture this, I am on the swing. You push me, and I’m soaring towards the sky. My smile is transparent, and my heart is made of metal. It’s all so rusty – I don’t want to break.

A swing set .. this was so innocent.

This dream you had,  I told you .. I always told you .. keep your dreams to yourself.

I wish I felt the wind brush my eyes, and kiss my lips.

I wish, that good dreams never end.

But …

You have it all put together.
Your lips are red,
Your eyes are black,
And your heart is snow white.

You touch a color,
It only burns
It doesn’t hurt –
The hurting never shows.

It doesn’t mean a thing –
If you have it put together,
You break …

Untangle the string,
Touch the threads,
My lips are red.
My eyes are black.

I use to have a heart –
It was snow white.

I’m blind to seeing colors,
Blackened glances,
Broken glass

A taste of a lime
It’s always bitter when it’s young.

Eyes so tired
Lips so dry
Hearts die

Charcoal on my fingers
Charcoal on your lips
Charcoal stinging my fingertips

A stained heart
Never gives.

You have it all put together
You have it all
I put you together

But you unashamedly say,
Its not together
If I keep falling apart everyday.

The feeling called without a feeling. It is a feeling of indifference, your mindlessly numb, all you really want is to close your eyes shut and wish expectantly, you’re search for an ending.

The feeling of without a feeling. It really is indescribable. You wake up, and all you want to do is go back to sleeping. Yes, your still breathing. Yes, your heart is still beating. Yes, you have everything and yet, you still want. You still need from those wants. And whats there to living, in a feeling, of sensitivity and your body is numb.

The feeling of a feeling. A part of your body is in actual pain, and you say this is not your timing. This is just insane. I expected a feeling, and my eyes are forced shut, my body feels heavy, and you tumble me in a cycle of restless sleep.

I want a feeling.

I want.

And its always a feeling.

you let go
and that’s life.
one day you’ll realize
its much more beautiful,
when everything isn’t
falling into place.
when you let go,
you begin to feel
you can escape

if you let go
your living
for me
and
its
really so
beautiful

when it all isn’t in place
and when you don’t know
what’s left what’s right
all you should know
is knowing at times
is irrelevant

just let go
live life

You are not an illusion put aside. I can actually see right through you.
You are not you. And I begin to crumple the paper;
Our crumpled hearts become indented.

They are black,
They are itched and dashed,
The hearts do not last.

You were once held.
You were once loved.

You. I draw the tracings of a ghost.
You. I draw the contours of silence edging the shape of lips,
And I touch the ink to my lips and begin to taste it.
The ink begins to flow as my tongue wets the ink.

This tongue of mine is now colored black
And you say, You said,
A heart is always ebony black.

My hair is black,
My lashes are long.
My heart is dark,
My cheeks are bones.
And the surface to my heart
Is hard, as hard as a rock.

You do not disappear.
You always come back.
You. You appear in a frame of a picture.
You. You continue to stare at a fixture.

As I draw our distance between a dream and fiction.
I have to tell you, I see right through you.
A heart of ebony black,
It is never as dark as ebony black.

Indented in our hearts is glass,
Do not pull it out.
Ebony black is not so bad.

This year of eight was tiring. It tested faiths, it separated a pair of white doves, and it colored a pale sad face. Could you define remarkable without griming the evidence of humility? Could you touch broken, and then lay a hand on a statue so lifeless and unmoving?

A broken window you gifted me,
The glass you broke, you made me feel.
I lived in the moment, I burned my hands.
I felt resonating sensations,
And the tears
They fell.

You own a heart.
And I squared myself.
I gave you a circle
And you hurt yourself.

I too noticed
I too felt
I too understand
I too can melt.

This was saturation on living, and the colors were perfectly mixed. I placed the paints to your lips – and trailed my falling tears wetting your sleeve. In a moment you wash away, in a moment the delicate edges contouring your face give. Here is where I stood last night, and here is where your face compels my sanity at night.

A blanket and a candle I held. A year is all I have and you left. Now I’m cuffed around my wrists, and you hold the keys. I speak and I feel, and I hold on to hurt. But letting go takes more of time and past guilt. I really am just me. I’m not titled wonderful and my veins don’t bleed in bliss. I’m clothed in fabrics in this cold, but when I walk past you I’m naked and warm.

If you really appreciate a year, and the hurt it gives, I hope you appreciate who I am. I don’t take back anything this year gave. Even if it was a bad year, even if I have a scratch or two, even if my bones are tired, and my feet are giving up on me. My heart is not made of steel, and I can easily break. A year and everything has changed.

I think in all my grey
Happiness kissed me,
But before it did,
It told me you make happiness what you make it seem.

I’m so happy and the world tonight smiles again,
The stars are dancing around the moonlight.
And as the moon stays for awhile,
Tomorrow the sun will shine.

I think the ropes you tied my hands in are making them bleed. I think the pressure and intensity isn’t helping. I think the knots you keep tying are cutting my blood circulation. I think I’m acutely confused. And, I think your words aren’t helping. I need you to stop thinking. You don’t hold onto words – I do.

Im pretty and you title me blue.
I can’t hear a single thing – anything was what I needed to hear.
Nothing…

Again we begin,

I think the band aide you placed on my skin is ripping. I think I’m still hurting. Don’t touch me. I think I’m trying to heal a wound, and I’m healing. I cant help myself. I’m not myself anymore. I think I’m in need of something more. I think we need to start thinking. And, I think it never gets old.
I cant feel a single thing – anything was what I needed to feel.

Listen.
I think the blindfolds you placed on my eyes are see through. I think my eyes see through you. I think I need to stop blinking. And, I think I cant see anymore. I’m in the dark, and I keep thinking. I think if your words were helping, I think I would stop thinking.
Lets start.
Again.
Here you go.
I hear nothing.
I’m not blue anymore.

I’m only smiling.

لا تعذر وصلك وشوفك تعذر 
حتى طبعك صار يا خلي عجيب
قلبك الي كان يهواني تكبر 
ما بقى مني ومن همي قريب 
حتى دمعك في وسط عينك تحجر 
ما يبكيك الوله لو هو صعيب 

في فؤادك حبي العذري تغير 
يا حسافه صرت بعيونك غريب 
روح انا راضي بحظي والمقدر 
كل واحد في حياته له نصيب 

عزتي ترفض على الظلم اتصبر 
من يبيع الحب ما يصلح حبيب  
لا تعذر وصلك وشوفك تعذر 
حتى طبعك صار يا خلي عجيب

I am tired of overusing the words.
&I am really tired of trying to let you into this heart.

I am tired of listening to the silence kill our anonymous feelings,
& you seem to just willingly want to never budge.
I….give up this so-called lust coated love.

You forget me.
& my insides are all confused.
My heart tells me to let you go,
but I never follow what it suggests.

I never listened,
I longed to voyage back to hurting.
I love your hurt.

I find you a necessary
& I give up.
I surrender.
I need for this to stop.

come to an end.

we did not start.

I have caused too much damage on myself,
to continue floating in the dark waters of unwanted.

Laish tejra7 o tensani?
Laish tegool ma te7ib
……Inta lik 7ob thani?
5ala9 ma tabeeni?
………..7abebi enta shftelik 7ob thani?
yemot il 7ob.

kil 7ob o yemoot.

P.S

i do not bite, i’d love to have some comments.

Before I climb this mountain, and before I promise you my happiness… I will paint you my glittering smile, and wipe your falling tears. Before it all even more, before I promise you a journey of beautiful dreams, I will take it to my heart to call me ‘yours’. I will end clouding your thoughts; I will let my eyes explain these feelings. I will call myself ‘love(d)’.

Before I confuse you and before I dance around your fears, I want you to know that this last summer I watched the sun rise. I watched the lonely hours turn into long days. I came to figure out that no one really cares and I should not allow myself matter to them.

People will come as I go, some will heart my smiles and circle my waist, some may actually care. But I realized that some will paint you lies and except from you honest truths. But here I am, telling you (my favorite stranger) I am older and the dark circles have made me wise. You make those people matter, and you are the only one required to change when they derive you out of the equation.

Indifference does not wound, it is going along the lines of lies that kill and caress my sweet revenge. My life story is in these very lines of a hard year, a treacherous summer and a lost sense of found freedom. I am writing my memories, and I am clouding your eyes with these few paragraphs but, I just redefined myself and I am re-appreciating the good things in life. And maybe, just maybe, I have had the power of coloring your heart with a little shade of wonderful.

Ofcourse I love you.

But I will always be me, and I will change the meaning of ‘you’.

You entertained me with lies. And that is a distinct reason, to why I have failed. As it was, I failed to save you. What could I have done? You refused a million and added to one. You refused to confide. You are actually bitter than life. As you ended, you stated false truths. You verified the reasons to why I lied to you. You said, life was life. Love me more. I love you less. But I always loved you. And in the end, that was one to a million reasons we were forced to end.

I imagined a fairytale with an abrupt end. An end, to our lie. I imagined less of seeing you. I did not think it would last this long. It lasted a minute from an hour of our day. I realized these feelings; they almost always eventually die, as we will someday. They fade as we grow up and apart. We realized yesterday that life is actually just life. But, you have changed. So whose to say this life you speak of will always remain a life.

As you become this someone else. As you mold the broken pieces, as you weld the clay to me, I rest to remain the very same. No change awakens my emotions, nothing at all. I will let you know I am growing more beautiful from the inside. It was you who uglied my appearance. It was you who disdained my worth? Who acknowledged nothing of who I was, who I am, of why you very well fell in love with me, if ever you did fall?

But as the hours draw our silence, and as I stared into your eyes, you again say, but that is life. Well life is worth living away from you. Far away, and miles will keep us far apart. This is life. Just life. As it happened, and as you did, I too will move on. I hope you do the very same, but my hope has already been granted as you have done so only a year and ten days ago. Do you know, I will always love you for what you have done. This experience of a journey awakening our moments of lies. Do you also know I no longer expect honest truths, because those lies of yours will always rest to remain so beautiful.

And that is life for you.