I will only tell you four words
It makes no difference.
It apparently never has…

See a mile,
A sea is in the distance.
I will be seeing you.
Different.

Contradiction.
Contradict.
It is all different.

I will plaster my smiles.
Please call them fake.
Whisper words.
Mere lies you should take.

It was all supposed to be
Quite different.
I really do appreciate the distance.

See the ocean,
It understands
My bed of roses never died.
Its you that is dead.

It makes the difference.

Understanding reality
in the light of grey skies,
on a stormy April night.

I no longer heart you.

Sadly, I no longer heart anyone.

I give up.
My heart hurts too much.
I can no longer make any more excuses.
I am heartbroken.

My words are imprisoned.
They are just empty words.
I wanted to tell you.
.
But you love some other,
And that tears me apart.
Into delicate pieces.
My intricate chaos.

Life is going on.
And I’m still dead inside.

I will let the silence
Kill these feelings,
I will let you be.
See you in a world of beautiful worries.
See you within the memories.

Nobody has changed. Not you or me.
Sad, don’t you think?
It seems as if time is frozen,
and still you don’t possess the ability to pity me.

Your eyes tell stories.
Stories of lies untold.
Quiet honest, you never were.
No matter how I phrased your words,
it was never so.

Even as you painted the picture bright.
Your lies drew the blinds to dark.
And here I stand before you, I kindly refuse, to take this, and to take more.

This is no beautiful feeling. I want an end.
I would like an ending.
And yet, I have no illustration that we had a start.
Quite frankly, we never did.

We just spoke with finite words, that had no meaning.
There is no glossary, no dictionary for my words.
I’m left without any.
I only have a broken heart.

You don’t know,
I doubt I knew.
I don’t care,
I doubt you do.
I doubted you.
A blessing it was,
Without caring,
Without pledging,
Without words,
Without a heart.
And so it was,
Quite believable,
Your lies.
My lovely,
Delectable,
Unusual.

Your beautiful.

Love your Distance.
End my doubts.
I prefer not caring,
You stole my heart.
A lie of beautiful,
I don’t know.
I gave up on you.
I care

No more.

I give no damn.

Over.

I don’t think I exist in your world
&
You can’t understand what you do to me.
I can’t think.
I can’t speak.
I can’t hear.
& If I could,
I’d think of you, I’d speak three words,
& unfortunately,
I won’t be able to hear your voice.
Forget it.
Forget you.
It was never anything.
Don’t worry..
It will go away, give me a few days,
A month and a year.

….

Do you know what’s beautiful,
My realization, a distance.
I’m no longer blindfolded,
I can see.
I see right through you.
Sad yet true,
You were never really special.
And it’s sad that it took me this long,
To realize.
I see now.
I actually rather not.
Give them back.
I want the blindfolds back.
I need them.
I don’t wish to see.
Or Feel.

Do you know what’s beautiful,
My realization, the closer I get
the more steps you take
back,
until your distant.
You let go.
You never had a grip.
I pushed you.
Away.
Stay distant.
I’m letting you go…
So go.
I dont care.
I really don’t.
but i actually do.

Sad
But
Very
Beautiful.

So beautiful,
You know
My realization,
My truth,
It was never beautiful.

Così bella

It’s raining!

& I love walking in the rain .

& If it displeases you,

that’s soo fine with me…

i’m back now, & its for awhile…

miss(ed) me.

keep missing me ;*

I’m not sane. Not now, or for the next interval of hours. I think I’m actually in the process of losing my mind. Factual evidence points to one thing, I’m going crazy and…well you won’t be needing to know the rest. Argh. I’m so tired, and I have so many to blame!!

I can’t take it anymore. I know it’s almost over, and I’m almost there but It would be a miserable ending – if it all goes for nothing. It will be a pathetic ending, if my hard work goes for nothing. Life. Life sucks, but 72 hours and everything concerning Life will once again be beautiful. Even you!

Anyways, It’s going to be another of those Sleepless nights. I won’t sleep. I wouldn’t be able to rest if I wanted to. I can’t close my eyes. I’m too agitated, and too infatuated with … Bs, I have no patience, and I can’t waste those hours sleeping. I’m so close but so far from where I should be. I’m ….hmm, I guess I love you.

72 hours. I haven’t even packed.

I wish…for,…

Friday, come now!!!!!

If you imagined something else, it would have been better.

Since you did not,

Enchant your senses,

and just listen,

to a voice,

to a catch in his words.

A life story.

If I let you in, you’ll discover the truth.

What then?

A mild disappointment,

my Exaggeration of lust.

Insist.Crush.Forget.

un-Remarkable love.

To you,

I wish I knew then
What I know now
Same questions
A moment on the lips
Breathing better – heal
Alternatives
Just a bad day
It’s a bad life
You asked me
Enough
You have it
Life starts from within
It’s been treated with ignorance
Staying centered
You make your dreams
Anything’s possible
Another day without
But it doesn’t have to
A passionate life
When tired is too tired
Your opinion matters
Remember
Who would have thought
End of the lines?
Beautiful skin
An inside look
It all begins with you
Go ahead
Blame someone else
There is a solution
Great white hope
When we feel broken inside
Don’t worry, I’ll pretend
With a purpose
There’s relief for pain like this.

Blood pressure
Why you need a hug
If you’re not telling me No
You’re telling me yes
Keep in touch
Warm heart

Good things come
Reflections
Your hand
Breathing better
Yet nothing lasts forever

From me.

Love.

It’s been too long. Long enough for you to forget to miss me. I bundle my words now, kept them in storage rather than publishing. Your busy with life. Exclude me.  You know, I think I’ve grown old. Too old to care, give a damn. Barely eighteen. Do you know, that I am selfishly enjoying my leisurely walks, on fine moss grass, as the soft breeze gently soothes my insides. Here I am, the wind is chilly. The clouds are mesmerizing, justly beautiful. I’m cold now. Slowly, I’m getting used to this life. Responsibility, individuality, miles away from you.

Wow, such a devastating way to wake up. Let me cut the crap and go striaght to the butter. Here is the distrubed pattern that took toll in my once boring, unadventurous day.

I woke up bright and early, but I didnt want to jump out of bed. The dream I was having was one of those dreams that’s not worth waking up from until you get to the rolling credits of that picture. I really wanted to see what would go on from there. The birth of my disappointments soon to come my way. It was heart appleasing, but mind decieving. Dreams, oh bugger with dreams. Never satisfying. Anyways so I close the ringing alarm and get ready to go about and do my intended business for the day.

I get back home at 10 am, waste a few hours, waste a few more minutes, take in a few more seconds….eat, feel drowsy and then at 2 pm I decided to take a short nap. I needed that nap for fuel. I wanted to watch ER on mbc4. Last week, I missed the last eposide and didn’t want that incident to occur once more. So I slept, slept, slept. I set the alarm to ring at 7 pm. I wake up. My shutters are raised high, and the sky looks as if it’s morning, 7 am morning. The same looking morning I see occasionally every morning. Then things tumble down.

I blurt out to my sane self this: “no, no, NO. drat, I even missed the rerun timing at 3am. AWH.  the day is set to disappointment me further…. oof !”I get up nonetheless, and found people awake. Usually in the morning I see my parents getting ready to work. My sister as well. But the others are still snoozing. I come downstairs and find no way. No way. NOOOOOOOO jaw dropping way. No, really. I wearily with a miserable looking face ask is today today or is it tomorrow the next day.

What a farce? What a way to wake up? Feeling hopeless at a moment and then just a set of words …” it’s 7 pm!!” It reimburses the lost hope. What a pathetic story, aye…oh well. I trust this has happened to most likely everybody. If not, then someday it will.

Conclusion, I take my ER tv show quite seriously. Whoever disturpts my watching, pays the priceless price!. Now, I still feel sleepy. That will soon wear off. Lastily, Yes, ofcourse I can tell time. I really can tell.

😕

You do seem alright for now – I guess – if you placed me to judge this situation. Seriously, truly, with all the dignity I can muster for you. I believe you can move on. You ask too many questions! How? It’s impossible!!? Why I never gave in? How I continued to live?!

Well muse, all you do is build a barrier. With the strongest of metals, the thickest steel. You build it with your heart (not hands). With this barrier so hard, cold and crude, you learn to fend for yourself. But it’s all useless if you don’t master the art of forgetting the lest desirable, the sad devastations, that heart breaking moment – then you can carry on. It will fail, going to the gutters if you pledge or show emotion. It will only be used against you. You’d be once again, the worm set as bait. Relinquish emotions, don’t shed a tear…It would only worsen your situation.

With this advice, maybe you too can live for the better. But don’t think that…within the circumstances that come your way, that my words, how I survived will be pronunced the cure. It truly is just a treatment. You can never really run from all this. Your wish to start anew, without a hindrance, or a scratch. No,…it…can’t be made possible.

Now smile, because it does get better. I stand before you, as living proof. Maybe it may take years for the hurt to lessen, and you’ll be one of the lucky ones if it all disappears. If not, then you learn to adapt. So stop with the questions! Stop whining! Whats happened has happened. – sigh- Just forget about all the discouraging words. Mature. Don’t concede. If surrending is what you chose, than I can sadly state this.

‘Your story will be in the volumes, on my book shelf. Precisely, the volume labelled pathetic end.’

A white heart I turned black.