I’ve had enough of you- imprisoning my thoughts, emotions and fucking up everything. I want to run away from you; my life is shattering like that broken glass. Pain shall eventually kick in I guess it was a bad idea showering myself in sharp glass- I thought I saw your reflection – you… I basically walked straight into you.

I tremble…I fall…Straight into your arms…and curse.

I’m all wet now- soaking my body in this salt water from the shore; with hope to cure myself of you. I am scrubbing hard with that rock, harshly, with intensity – to rid myself of you. I’m almost there; I’m almost pure and innocent from your touch but bruised.

I hesitate…I gasp…I walk…Fucking far from you.

Screw the memories, the feelings, and the happenings. The moments when you thought I wont make it for another gasp of air – I’m breathless from this…It’s all just nonsense a way to fool ourselves – make us feel for something that will never be anything than bloodied scars, wounds that never heal and two lost souls searching to find nothing.

I slip…I drown…I hurt…I’m dying slowly.

I’m losing consciousness- I’m losing far too much blood. I try to touch the glass embedded in my flesh; I’m trying to let go of you. The glass is like that misplaced piece in a puzzle that was meant not to be fit in it’s rightful place. It was meant to be soaking in crimson blood- it was meant to be tasteless. It was meant to be on my flesh. It was meant to be sprinkled with sand. Last in all, it added a memoriable touch to our reality – neverlasting.

My lips are dry…My eyes are resting…My heart is no longer beating.

“I just couldn’t wait for you.”

I’m listening to Al-Mesafer Ra7 by Rashed Al-Majed.

I’m thinking more into his lyrics which brought tears to my eyes.

I’m wonderin how I shall survive the last days of my summer.

I’m hoping to write a story bas my creativity – everything is on the low.

I’m desiring to dig a hole to escape all of life itself.

I’m needing some hugs and words of endearment cause my summer is ending.

I’m wishing our school; senior year isnt going to start next week – saturday.

I’m understanding that today not many would have done what I did, pick up something a fellow stranger dropped – he was suprised at my actions and thanked me said I shouldnt have he would have gotten it…bas after that incident I thought to myself his words; his actions made me smile helping somebody out is a wonderous feeling…most people passed by without looking to help him but I thought different.

I’m breathing but mentally I’m dead – I plan to drain myself out of troubles within this life; you never get me so I shall always grieve for you.

I’m leaving you; leave me thoughts- cheer me up; my summer is coming to a conclusion, school will start within a few days a week to be exact….cheer me up.

i just finished watching prison breaks latest eposide and damn them…i’m waiting for more more more!!!!they cant leave me hanging like that not fair…yesterday i watched girl, interrupted its an old movie -it got me questioning my sanity; jolie was a great actress in it though i admit i dont like her but she did hell of a good job in acting psycho 😉 last ten minutes i cried; cried; cried…argh- to top that off i watched primetime 20/20 which was documenting about the children that are lost…mentally; physically; etc…i tell you i should stop watching those things… but i wont 😉 they leave me wondering; thinking; gripping to some sort of understanding !!

then i watched abc news they were talking about these two young twin girls who were singing hate music praising hitler etc; her mother taught them to hate all races except the whites… god the world is shriveling in integrity; we are losing it!! then something came on about how food is being genetically modified-argh great what more can we ask for ! everything is changing for the worse!!! then i watched about john mark karr and how he sipped wine on the flight back to the usa being suspected for the murder of jonbenet ramsey- i have a feeling he’s 2 % innocent until proven 88% he’s guilty…i think he’s guilty of commiting something else and maybe just asking for his minutes to fame…but i think i’m wrong i’ll just tune in to find out whats really happening…i still cant fathom how high profile cases seem to go unsolved; damn those people; tv shows appear to solve the crime within 45 minutes and they enrich us on how to commit the crime without leaving a trail behind…reality is television is causing all of this…we are being brainwashed in some sort of way.

i’ve read alot about serial killers- their mindset all of that intrigues me and well i’ve studied many of those killers ted bundy; charles manson; etc and still find it hard to believe some one with an innocent face, composure is guilty of commiting a sick sick felony- murder;rape; slaughter.

away from the troubles of the world to how it’s been awhile since i’ve written a post; probably cuz of so much going on in my life this moment; and the past two days i was sick and reprocessing myself :)…finally my bedroom is beautifully finished; the colors are beige and dark blue and i like it…so who cares; wont post pics cuz i will feel it would be a destruction of my privacy…:Pnow since jackie has been away we can download anytime; anything without her disagreeing…so that keeps us updated with everything; jackie we watched john tucker must die; step up; lake house which i specifically begged darling to download 🙂 and we are downloading much more…now i am dying to watch world trade center .

i demand prison break release another eposide this week i cant wait till next week; funny how prison break spurred up all the things i talked about 🙂 well i’m hungry now; dinner time! 😉

uPdate : FICTION READ AND ENJOY 😉

Excuse me; I bid of you to speak those words one more time. I’m sorry I didn’t quite catch the attitude carressing that tone. I am beyond speechless – what you blurted out is nothing more than overreaction and pleading affection. You better learn to move on and let things go. I’m out of your grasp; stop lighting those candles – I blew them out. I burned down the fortress to your cavernous heart – tender and soft – what happened to you?

Years play back; memories of a rugged stance that face of silence masked you. But your identity is now uncovered and those words came out seemingly cluttered. Take a deep breathe my sweet, again I advise you to let it rest. We aren’t meant to be what is singing in your heartbeat. Let it be sweet, let us move on and seek a fate destined away from your blunders; they obviously pacified the thirst of your longing and desiring attraction – but we both know that it is impossible for you to let go. So just take back those words; they are useless, voiceless and senseless.

I regret what we once have been; those lost escapes of bliss reveal my shame. I am ashamed of you and what you’ve done. Those words you spoke can not mend our broken hearts…Know that I’ve broken your heart just this once – you’ve torn mine apart a thousand times – thus be gone. I’m incapable of loving you ever more…love someone else love me not.

I hold no love within this heart; just marks and scathes and crimson blood.

-your battlefield-

I’m putting away everything into boxes; and with that every piece of fabric unfolded memories. Yet, I found no remorse in hiding you; you do not belong in that box. Your far too precious to disregard so easily. But I’m compelled to let you go filled with regret…I must part with you and put an end.

At one point in life you were there for me…and withstood all the tears on my seams being worn out terribly with faults I possessed. Now I must face all that has come before us- it’s time to let go. Thus, I am forced to move on and be someone different and stand back and watch you descend into something more that we both together could never be…

I’m concluding this phase in my life. Your to please some other soul cause you satisfied my needs far more than required of you. We once were bound lovers but tonight as I carefully packed your remains into an old dusty brown box – I smiled with hope that you please someone else; put a dire smile on that sad lost soul facing nothing with eyes ablaze hoping for a better tomorrow devasted from today.

Sincerely Yours The Battlefield You No Longer Underestimate …

Update: I just wanted to add creativty to what I’m currently doing; cleaning out my closet and my bedroom….and placing books, clothes, everything into boxes.. put an end to a phase and experiment a new. Change should be different and difficult; now I must think of a color to paint my walls I want it black…but mama refuses and then again I want to paint my room with acryllic paint doodling the walls with images but that might be a bad idea…anywhoo I should continue what I started and resume my mission ;p…and settle for beige color or something soft instead 😉

Update: template changed ; I think this still keeps my obession with black and white entact; but forever blissful these colors assure a realm of my reality that I live in….I am thankful my cheers darling sis no4 has done all this magic…i watched in the process and she got attitudish on me she didnt even let me go anywhere just sit beside till she’s done…it’s worth the trouble ;)….she is mashallah talented ;*** to her!

cheers darling