I tried numerously to – draft – edit – post. But my hands are prone to navigate there way  to clicking delete. I am tired. I am waving the white flag. Yes, I am pathetically choosing to surrender and declare that I am pitying my own self. Insane, it’s my middle name ~l~.

I have stopped writing for awhile. I have lost my so called creative self.. My tongue is tied, my lips are sealed, I type but nothing meaningful escapes. Words. Enemy.

I sense this post is a total fragment. You reader can’t even help and be my safe clause.

?

Can you live with this hour silence? I am so Desperate.

Wow, such a devastating way to wake up. Let me cut the crap and go striaght to the butter. Here is the distrubed pattern that took toll in my once boring, unadventurous day.

I woke up bright and early, but I didnt want to jump out of bed. The dream I was having was one of those dreams that’s not worth waking up from until you get to the rolling credits of that picture. I really wanted to see what would go on from there. The birth of my disappointments soon to come my way. It was heart appleasing, but mind decieving. Dreams, oh bugger with dreams. Never satisfying. Anyways so I close the ringing alarm and get ready to go about and do my intended business for the day.

I get back home at 10 am, waste a few hours, waste a few more minutes, take in a few more seconds….eat, feel drowsy and then at 2 pm I decided to take a short nap. I needed that nap for fuel. I wanted to watch ER on mbc4. Last week, I missed the last eposide and didn’t want that incident to occur once more. So I slept, slept, slept. I set the alarm to ring at 7 pm. I wake up. My shutters are raised high, and the sky looks as if it’s morning, 7 am morning. The same looking morning I see occasionally every morning. Then things tumble down.

I blurt out to my sane self this: “no, no, NO. drat, I even missed the rerun timing at 3am. AWH.  the day is set to disappointment me further…. oof !”I get up nonetheless, and found people awake. Usually in the morning I see my parents getting ready to work. My sister as well. But the others are still snoozing. I come downstairs and find no way. No way. NOOOOOOOO jaw dropping way. No, really. I wearily with a miserable looking face ask is today today or is it tomorrow the next day.

What a farce? What a way to wake up? Feeling hopeless at a moment and then just a set of words …” it’s 7 pm!!” It reimburses the lost hope. What a pathetic story, aye…oh well. I trust this has happened to most likely everybody. If not, then someday it will.

Conclusion, I take my ER tv show quite seriously. Whoever disturpts my watching, pays the priceless price!. Now, I still feel sleepy. That will soon wear off. Lastily, Yes, ofcourse I can tell time. I really can tell.

😕

You do seem alright for now – I guess – if you placed me to judge this situation. Seriously, truly, with all the dignity I can muster for you. I believe you can move on. You ask too many questions! How? It’s impossible!!? Why I never gave in? How I continued to live?!

Well muse, all you do is build a barrier. With the strongest of metals, the thickest steel. You build it with your heart (not hands). With this barrier so hard, cold and crude, you learn to fend for yourself. But it’s all useless if you don’t master the art of forgetting the lest desirable, the sad devastations, that heart breaking moment – then you can carry on. It will fail, going to the gutters if you pledge or show emotion. It will only be used against you. You’d be once again, the worm set as bait. Relinquish emotions, don’t shed a tear…It would only worsen your situation.

With this advice, maybe you too can live for the better. But don’t think that…within the circumstances that come your way, that my words, how I survived will be pronunced the cure. It truly is just a treatment. You can never really run from all this. Your wish to start anew, without a hindrance, or a scratch. No,…it…can’t be made possible.

Now smile, because it does get better. I stand before you, as living proof. Maybe it may take years for the hurt to lessen, and you’ll be one of the lucky ones if it all disappears. If not, then you learn to adapt. So stop with the questions! Stop whining! Whats happened has happened. – sigh- Just forget about all the discouraging words. Mature. Don’t concede. If surrending is what you chose, than I can sadly state this.

‘Your story will be in the volumes, on my book shelf. Precisely, the volume labelled pathetic end.’

A white heart I turned black.

Does it please you? Does it really?

I’d like to thank my ingenious devil of a sister for a vintage piece of art my cheers darling and the lady in red, jacqui whose made it all possible to be up and running, in a mere 5 minutes….remarkable.

Change is good, don’t you think?

Your red eyes insisted for a cigarette. So you reached for one from the pack and sandwiched it between your thinning lips. Taking a match you repeadtedly lined it to the matchbox searching for a flame. At last, it surfaced. With trembling hands, you lit the cigarette. Gradually the scent of used tobacco encompassed you. The smoke you exhaled parted those thoughts keeping you wide awake. Hastily, the spent ashes colored your stained shirt and the cigarette sordidly shortened. So you put it out, on the nightstand.

In need of another cigarette, you found none, but matches you held plenty. So you lit match by match, enhaling the faint smell of smoke, and with a sad smile, you blew them out.

Your sleepless night., if only…