Everything stays the same, but I’ve changed and you’ve changed.

So…

I think I’ve been thinking too much. Does it ever happen to you? Hmm, let’s see… It’s been ages since I last wrote a decent post. The past posts were vague, intentionally scripted so you could never decipher the triggered nonsense that made perfect sense to me. Clever, aye?

So life here is far too pleasant, and good natured. Everything is adequate. The natural beauty ( in nature) has been indescribable. It’s the kind of perfection many picture in fairy-unrealistic tales. The weather however, is too demanding. Indeed I didn’t expect to be showered by rains, blinded by the rays of sunlight and frozen from the gust of winds all in one day. Seriously, I can’t leave the house without a mode of protection, a warm wool sweater. I don’t think I’d be suprised if it actually snowed in the weather cycle. But that’s too early to detail and note. It’s only October and the autumn weather here feels like winter.

Back to the point of this post, I have been thinking too much. I should tone down my neural brain activity to a minimum output of a fair amount of neurons accepting certain packets of information. I guess I have been using my frontal lobes to an extreme (btw, I’m just in the psychological context, in truth reviewing for an exam). What I need is a breathe of fresh air…and I am well aware that come the morning, my need will be fulfilled.

Sweet dreams.

:*

Walks in the rain.

Today will be quite a long and tiresome. The sun is not up yet and I’ve a load of papers to write. I’m mentally tangled right now with my sciences, the numbers and discrete amounts of irrelevant worries. At least the week is coming to an end. Out in the open, I’m filled with regrets. I wish to take back words and gestures, from the previous 48 hours or maybe from the start of this week. Sometimes I wonder, I learn nothing beneficial. Just facts, text suggested truths, and then I am tested and in a matter of hours, it’s dismissed from my thoughts.

Bleh with my nonsense. So tell me what’s new with you?

Silence…… Maybe you will appreciate.

www.listenarabic.com and type,

-Mohammad Abdo – Al Amaken

-Ibrahim Al Hakami – Shou Bini

-Saber El Roubai – 3ezet Nafsy

Then again, maybe you won’t. Sleep beckons, and I have an early schedule to denounce. Maybe later on, this morning you would call this night, I’ll write you a decent post. Time difference, seas apart.

It’s been too long. Long enough for you to forget to miss me. I bundle my words now, kept them in storage rather than publishing. Your busy with life. Exclude me.  You know, I think I’ve grown old. Too old to care, give a damn. Barely eighteen. Do you know, that I am selfishly enjoying my leisurely walks, on fine moss grass, as the soft breeze gently soothes my insides. Here I am, the wind is chilly. The clouds are mesmerizing, justly beautiful. I’m cold now. Slowly, I’m getting used to this life. Responsibility, individuality, miles away from you.

boo.

I wish instead of air planes taking us to our planned destinations, we could momentarily blink and conjure the location of our travel to avoid the discomforting seats on the flight, the abundance of noise on the plane and sustainable turbulence. And with that the no water in the bathrooms only from the sink drain will be agreeable. Hmph. What I am suggesting now is Technology steer the gateway towards my creative new way of travel.  In the blink of the eye. Smart ingenious people out there, here my voice and invent an easier way to reduce the motion sickness and dizziness one feels after a fourteen hour flight. No drugs involved, i dislike pills. I prefer the natural way of readjusting my biological clock.

Anyways, I am on American soil. I am lounging back reinforcing and recharging my energy for what’s yet to come. I am totally enjoying the green grass, the beautiful scenery as well as the cable or choices of channels to watch. But somethings back home in kuwait are irreplaceable. IRREPLACEABLE.

Pictures to follow my further posts when I get around to snapping the shots, I’ll kindly share :). I’ll see you guys later. Love, love, love. <3

I am glad I am not jet lagged yet. Glad.

I tried numerously to – draft – edit – post. But my hands are prone to navigate there way  to clicking delete. I am tired. I am waving the white flag. Yes, I am pathetically choosing to surrender and declare that I am pitying my own self. Insane, it’s my middle name ~l~.

I have stopped writing for awhile. I have lost my so called creative self.. My tongue is tied, my lips are sealed, I type but nothing meaningful escapes. Words. Enemy.

I sense this post is a total fragment. You reader can’t even help and be my safe clause.

?

Can you live with this hour silence? I am so Desperate.

Wow, such a devastating way to wake up. Let me cut the crap and go striaght to the butter. Here is the distrubed pattern that took toll in my once boring, unadventurous day.

I woke up bright and early, but I didnt want to jump out of bed. The dream I was having was one of those dreams that’s not worth waking up from until you get to the rolling credits of that picture. I really wanted to see what would go on from there. The birth of my disappointments soon to come my way. It was heart appleasing, but mind decieving. Dreams, oh bugger with dreams. Never satisfying. Anyways so I close the ringing alarm and get ready to go about and do my intended business for the day.

I get back home at 10 am, waste a few hours, waste a few more minutes, take in a few more seconds….eat, feel drowsy and then at 2 pm I decided to take a short nap. I needed that nap for fuel. I wanted to watch ER on mbc4. Last week, I missed the last eposide and didn’t want that incident to occur once more. So I slept, slept, slept. I set the alarm to ring at 7 pm. I wake up. My shutters are raised high, and the sky looks as if it’s morning, 7 am morning. The same looking morning I see occasionally every morning. Then things tumble down.

I blurt out to my sane self this: “no, no, NO. drat, I even missed the rerun timing at 3am. AWH.  the day is set to disappointment me further…. oof !”I get up nonetheless, and found people awake. Usually in the morning I see my parents getting ready to work. My sister as well. But the others are still snoozing. I come downstairs and find no way. No way. NOOOOOOOO jaw dropping way. No, really. I wearily with a miserable looking face ask is today today or is it tomorrow the next day.

What a farce? What a way to wake up? Feeling hopeless at a moment and then just a set of words …” it’s 7 pm!!” It reimburses the lost hope. What a pathetic story, aye…oh well. I trust this has happened to most likely everybody. If not, then someday it will.

Conclusion, I take my ER tv show quite seriously. Whoever disturpts my watching, pays the priceless price!. Now, I still feel sleepy. That will soon wear off. Lastily, Yes, ofcourse I can tell time. I really can tell.

😕

You do seem alright for now – I guess – if you placed me to judge this situation. Seriously, truly, with all the dignity I can muster for you. I believe you can move on. You ask too many questions! How? It’s impossible!!? Why I never gave in? How I continued to live?!

Well muse, all you do is build a barrier. With the strongest of metals, the thickest steel. You build it with your heart (not hands). With this barrier so hard, cold and crude, you learn to fend for yourself. But it’s all useless if you don’t master the art of forgetting the lest desirable, the sad devastations, that heart breaking moment – then you can carry on. It will fail, going to the gutters if you pledge or show emotion. It will only be used against you. You’d be once again, the worm set as bait. Relinquish emotions, don’t shed a tear…It would only worsen your situation.

With this advice, maybe you too can live for the better. But don’t think that…within the circumstances that come your way, that my words, how I survived will be pronunced the cure. It truly is just a treatment. You can never really run from all this. Your wish to start anew, without a hindrance, or a scratch. No,…it…can’t be made possible.

Now smile, because it does get better. I stand before you, as living proof. Maybe it may take years for the hurt to lessen, and you’ll be one of the lucky ones if it all disappears. If not, then you learn to adapt. So stop with the questions! Stop whining! Whats happened has happened. – sigh- Just forget about all the discouraging words. Mature. Don’t concede. If surrending is what you chose, than I can sadly state this.

‘Your story will be in the volumes, on my book shelf. Precisely, the volume labelled pathetic end.’

A white heart I turned black.

Does it please you? Does it really?

I’d like to thank my ingenious devil of a sister for a vintage piece of art my cheers darling and the lady in red, jacqui whose made it all possible to be up and running, in a mere 5 minutes….remarkable.

Change is good, don’t you think?

Your red eyes insisted for a cigarette. So you reached for one from the pack and sandwiched it between your thinning lips. Taking a match you repeadtedly lined it to the matchbox searching for a flame. At last, it surfaced. With trembling hands, you lit the cigarette. Gradually the scent of used tobacco encompassed you. The smoke you exhaled parted those thoughts keeping you wide awake. Hastily, the spent ashes colored your stained shirt and the cigarette sordidly shortened. So you put it out, on the nightstand.

In need of another cigarette, you found none, but matches you held plenty. So you lit match by match, enhaling the faint smell of smoke, and with a sad smile, you blew them out.

Your sleepless night., if only…

I wanted to, I really did. Now I’m standing on the sidelines bartering my flesh. Just to see you once; last again. I dont mind it, not anymore. I’ve aged and grown to understand, you won’t mind peeling my burnt skin. You torched it with your eyes. Those eyes that reveal shame. You’re a serious caution, my aching disposition. Could you seize to exist, in the core of my mind. In the figment of my dreams, you are a bitter sense of reality. I am drugged for love, loving just you.

I dont want to, I really dont. I’m content on standing aside as you take your pick. From frauds and fakes and those fish. A few more days and we will call it quits. I exist, and you too – so choose. I still will continue to hate you. A posion to my lips. Flithy sink.

I’ve learned each day; running to lesson this pain. Of love, of ardor, of affection, my passion. I used to admire you. Begged to walk on broken glass, I ached for you.

Now, those lies you’ve unkept and I buried well daunt and flaunt against my face. They playfully caress my blushing cheeks.

I was blind. I chose not to see. Just feel. I feel ashamed of loving you. Thinking of you. Through it all, you wore a mask. Hidden once, now unmasked. Tonight I saw your drunken eyes and swollen lips. You held a glass and sipped….

I drink to you, I drink for he, I’m drunk on words, and the pain…it still exists.

My Fiction, Your Truth